What happens when you want to start taking piano lessons and art classes?
Well, if you’re Elizabeth Craig’s daughter, unfortunately it means that you’ll have to give up other after-school activities to take on new ones.
I decided a couple of years ago that there are absolutely wonderful moms out there who drive their children to multiple activities daily….but that I’m not one of them. :) So I ‘just say no’ to making my schedule even busier than it already is.
There’s a limited amount of extracurricular driving that I’m willing to take on at this point. I’ve got my son’s guitar teacher coming out to the house and I’m looking for a piano teacher to do the same.
What’s more, I think that children, when they’re overextended, get just as stressed out as we do. I know that I can’t take a look at my calendar without wincing and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Not everyone takes on too much…but I have a feeling that most of the writers in the online community do.
Many of us are blogging 3 or more times a week, networking on different social media platforms, volunteering for fundraisers online or in the community, working day jobs, helping care for our children or aging parents, and keeping house.
All of these things are important. But we frequently end up feeling stretched thin, even with all the things we need to do and want to do.
One thing that I’m learning to do (and it’s been really hard, because I’m a people-pleaser) is to say no to additional responsibilities.
I have to protect my time pretty fiercely at this point, because there’s just not very much of it to start out with. Usually, the kind of request that I get is for serving on a committee or a volunteer project at the school, etc. Again, these are very worthwhile causes. And I do help out a lot…but unfortunately, there aren’t really enough people who can volunteer—so the same people tend to be picked over and over again.
Saying no:
It’s much easier for me to nicely refuse (to be part of a supper club, serve on the PTA board, be part of a committee at church) if I can do it over email. That’s a no-brainer—we’re writers. Making a gentle refusal is easy when we’re writing.
But now…I can turn down people on the phone pretty well. It took some practice to get to that point. But I now can say, “I’d really love to help out, but my schedule isn’t going to permit it. I’m sorry.” Or…if I’m having a weak moment, I’ll ask them if I can sleep on it (and then email them the next day that I really won’t be able to participate.)
I’ve now also had some success in turning people down in person, which for me has always been the hardest. Again, If I’m having a hard time or feeling some pressure, I’ll ask if I can check my schedule and email or call them later. That gives me an opportunity to step back from the situation and come up with a polite response later on.
People might think (especially if you’re at home) that you have more time than you do. They might not realize all the things (social media, promo, learning the writing craft, writing) that you’re doing in a day…and they don’t have to know about it. All we have to do is politely say that we really wish that we could participate, but we’re just not able to.
How well do you protect your writing time and keep your schedule under control? Is it easy for you to say no?
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No by email? No problem.
No by phone? Hmm….
No in person? Well, two outta three ain’t bad :)
Elizabeth – I think that lots of people don’t have a clear idea of how hard it is to juggle family life and writing, let alone a full-time “day job.” So it’s not surprising that you’re inundated with all sorts of requests. I agree that saying “No,” is an important skill to learn. So is taking “No” for an answer.
As for me, I have no trouble saying “No,” online or on the ‘phone. I’ve learned to say it face to face but it’s not easy…
But life is filled with so many opportunities! It’s like being at an endless chocolate and bacon buffet!
I learned to say “no” a long time ago (I’m a midwesterner and it’s like I have “pushover” tattooed on my forehead, I attract people who want stuff.)
Anyway, back to the chocolate and bacon…. once you learn to say “no” and not suffer for it, the next step is learning to say “yes” judiciously. What is clutter, and what really does make your life better?
No, it isn’t. It’s hard. People don’t think I’m ‘working’ when I’m writing and by people I mean my kids, my pals (the non-writing ones)and even my partner. I guess if I was making some money it might be easier to stress that I’m working but until that day I’ll have to just practice saying no with a smile on my face…
Some people just don’t understand, but I can say no in person. And good for you not letting your kids do a million things. I watch parents do that and wonder who is really in charge of the household.
Such an important post, Elizabeth. When my kids were still kids, I was no good at saying “no.” I’m much better now. Part of that is because every day involves sitting at my desk, so I don’t get asked much.
I agree. Kids gets stressed too, if they have too many things going on. It’s important to have some void-time, for doing whatever.
Fortunately, most things
around here are walking distance, and the kids can go alone, by feet, by bike or eventually by bus. The skiing, however, requires a lot of driving. Fortunately, I enjoy it myself. Then doesn’t feel like a burden.
Cold As Heaven
I’ve written a bunch about this very topic Elizabeth. It is so hard for most of us to say no, but really, by saying yes when we mean no, it doesn’t work for anyone.
Karen
Sarah–It has taken me years of practice, and I’m still shaky at it!
Jan–The sad thing is that many people tend to look at writing as a hobby. And it’s rarely thought of that way by the *writer.*
Alex–I just can’t handle a really hectic schedule…and I’ve got one! But at least I have some control over how much *crazier* it gets.
Margot–It’s really tough, isn’t it? I have to really pick and choose the volunteering that I *can* do.
Helen–Wish I didn’t! Maybe that day will come.
Cold As Heaven–That’s the best part…that you enjoy the activity along with the children. Makes it a lot more fun.
The Daring Novelist–A bacon buffet! Ha! Yes, it’s exactly like that!
My struggle has most often been when I’m asked for help–as a volunteer for a hundred important projects. Like you, I’ve traditionally been a push-over because I avoid conflict at all costs and I like to be a people pleaser! I think Southerners and Midwesterners are way too nice.
I said no for the first time this year, and it felt good. I am a yes person, and end up with headaches trying to please so many people.
It is hard but necessary.
It is so true that people don’t respect our writing time. That is such a common lament among all my writer friends here and in person. Recently when talking to some friends at church, one lady said, “You really should join us on Tuesday morning for quilting.” Now, I really do like to quilt, and I really do like these ladies, but I told her I wouldn’t be able to do that as I work. She gave me a funny look and said, “Where?”
“In my home office.”
“Oh.”
The real funny – or not so funny – part is that we had just been talking about my books and I had told her I was just starting writing a new one.
I think a good mother is one who says no when she knows that is best for her child.
I am very good at saying no when it is things I don´t want to do, but if blog friends tempt me ….
Yes I do, and I shall take you up on your generous invitation, but not until I have recovered a bit after CrimeFest, my live tour :D
Glynis–It really *does* feel good to say no, doesn’t it? When I say yes and don’t mean it, I feel lousy about it.
Karen–I’ve never thought of it that way–sometimes our ‘yeses’ are really ‘nos’ and then our hearts aren’t in it. I tend to subconsciously sabotage the project sometimes when I’m not really into it.
Maryann–Isn’t that ridiculous? I can’t imagine what people are thinking sometimes…like it doesn’t take ages to write a book.
Dorte–Like if you go on tour? :) And you know you’re welcome to have a guest post here, anytime!
I’ve made a few people upset recently by saying no quite firmly. It felt good to say it. I plan on saying it more. The writing must come first – right after family. And some days equal to them. Sorry this is late. I’m just catching up from Friday.
Oh goodness I’m so bad at saying no. And I definitely take on too much. My blog is a major undertaking and does cut into my writing time if I let it (which okay, sometimes I do), but I enjoy it so much it’s hard to put it on the back burner. I’m pretty lucky that friends and family get that writing is my work, so they’re supportive of when I need time to write. If only I could be more supportive of myself in that regard (grin). It’s the social networking/PR/marketing stuff that gets me. Keeping up with that is rough. But it’s fun, and I enjoy it so I try.
I think this is something a lot of writers struggle with. I don’t know whether it is built into our nature as a group, or whether it is about how the world has been socialized into viewing us. *shrugs*