by Elizabeth S. Craig, @elizabethscraig
Parenting and writing. It can be a challenging combination … or can it? A lot depends on the child/teen in question, the parent’s schedule and non-child stressors, and the writing we’re trying to accomplish.
I read a lot of blog posts and the majority of what I read about writing mothers (in particular…writing fathers tend to have a different mindset, which I’ll get to in a moment) makes me sad. They seem conflicted and guilty, torn between writing and wanting to do a good job as a mother.
A beautifully well-written piece from writer Sarah Curtis Graziano in Brevity:
Please don’t disturb mommy for one hour while I write, just one hour. Barely ten minutes pass before one of them opens my office door to peek in at me, always to ask a ridiculous question. The answer doesn’t matter. She only wants a visual of this mother, so different than the one she used to know, with her hundred-yard stare, her finger repeating a tight circle on her temple as she works on something that steals her away like a boat sweeping her off toward the horizon. What is it? my child wonders, reaching out her hand to pull me back.
To be perfectly honest, part of what makes me sad when I read these types of articles is that they make me guilty that I’m not guilty. Although I’m very susceptible to guilt in a general sense, my approach balancing parenting and writing is one area where I really don’t feel it as much–the only times I’ve felt it, in fact, is when I know I’ve broken my own rules. A rule, for instance, would be looking at my laptop when my son or daughter is trying to have a conversation with me (during a specified non-writing time).
And, believe me, when my kids were younger, I had the same exact type of experience as Ms. Graziano. Here is a blog post I wrote in 2009 about my experience on a radio show. I juggled a radio appearance with picking up a nauseated child at school, and handling an 8-year old who was not following instructions. Did I feel guilty that I was on this program and that my child was knocking on my bedroom door the whole time? No, honestly, I didn’t. I was more annoyed and perplexed: why weren’t my directions being followed? (I later found out that I hadn’t done a good job explaining that being on the radio meant being on the phone.) I also had a big picture sense of the afternoon: in the overall scheme of things, unless the house is burning down while I ignored the knocks on my door, an hour or 30 minutes for a promo-related call was not going to permanently damage these kids. I followed up my radio time, as I recall, with a calm, productive chat with my daughter on the theme of boundaries and then played the hula-hoop game on the Wii with her.
Why don’t I feel guilty when my writing or promo takes me (really, ever so briefly) away from my kids? Because I’m demonstrating that art is worth spending dedicated time on. And that my art is worth spending dedicated time on. Just as they’re both important for me to spend dedicated time on.
99% of the posts that dads write on parenting and writing are different–they don’t seem to have the guilty undertones. In fact, these dads usually feel they’re spending better quality or more time with their kids. I wonder if this has to do with general societal expectations for a mother versus a father.
Here is an excellent post from writer Alec Nevala-Lee. An excerpt (forgive its length, but I found the message so helpful):
When children arrive, you’re suddenly confronted by enough complications for a second job, and between daycare, toilet training, trips to the doctor and afternoons at the playground, most of your inner resources become devoted to satisfying the demands of the insatiable creature in your house. And you’re already doing that with a novel.
But what I’ve found is that having a child has made my life more simple, not the opposite. It imposes a kind of ruthless editing of the nonessential: one by one, the things that I took for granted have fallen away, from going to the movies to sleeping late, and I’ve found that I don’t really mind. And it forces me into the sort of perpetual engagement with the world—largely through my daughter’s questions about it—that a writer needs more than anybody. When you’re single, or married without kids, you find ways of filling your spare time: few of us can spend more than five or hours writing without burning out, and the rest of the day is occupied with miscellaneous activity. Having children leads to a fundamental reorganization of those free moments. You find yourself streamlining relentlessly, to an extent that wouldn’t occur to you if you didn’t have that internal pressure, until you’re left with work, kids, and not much else. That’s simplification in its purest form, and it leads to a series of renunciations, a letting go of the superfluous, that stick to an extent that they otherwise wouldn’t. If a writer’s psychic goal is strip away the meaningless while focusing intently on the meaningful, having kids is as effective a way as any.
Writer Dan Blank also feels as if he’s prioritizing his family life while being a working writer, and for the same reasons: he’s making adjustments in his free time to spend it as a family. He explains in this post:
“For example, spending time with my family matters deeply to me. Because of that, I work from home full-time, and I say “no” to nearly every social obligation that doesn’t include them.
Is that a little extreme? Yep. But I never lay awake at night worried that I’m not spending enough time with my family. My reason for this? Because again and again, I’ve heard older generations express that one of their big regrets in life was not spending enough time with family. I am listening to their wisdom, and I am taking action on it.”
So some of the balance problem and the guilt may be due to societal pressures and general mindset of the writer. I have a few suggestions for balance and for feeling better about writing while parenting:
Infants:
I put my daughter in a safe place (crib) for ‘quiet time’ for both her and me when I first started writing. I gave her board books (from both our home collection and the library’s…all of which I’d read to her at least 100 times apiece, so she knew the stories) and told her to read while I wrote. Again, I kept this at 10-15 minutes. I think that’s a fair amount of time for most infants/toddlers.
Younger kids:
You can’t explain too much about what you’re doing. Really. Case in point is my post on the radio show outcome. I shouldn’t have said I’d be on the radio…I should have said I’d be on the phone and to give me some time while I’m on the phone. You can also set an actual timer outside your door that counts down to zero and has an alarm when it’s okay to come in. For preschool age, I used to try just 10 minutes. I can write a page in 10 minutes and we can all at least make some very focused progress in that amount of time (lists are a great tool to stay productive in shorts amount of time if you don’t feel you can work on the actual text of your story in that period).
The next part is for kids of all ages:
Give them a time when you are available. Reward them for giving you time to write (especially the younger kids). Play Old Maid. Throw a Frisbee. Get on the wii. Read a book to them. Ask them how school went (I found the more specific the questions, the better: who did you sit with at lunch?)
Tied in with availability:
When you are spending time with them, spend it with them…not in front of a laptop. Focus on them.
Tips for older kids (really, even preschoolers can engage in some of this):
Involve the kids as much as possible
Do they have an opinion between two potential covers?
Explain what you’re working on (coming up with an outline, writing a scary story, trying to connect on social media).
Older children can help with downloading spreadsheets of KDP earnings, advise on social media, update a website, etc. This process can even help them learn skills that could help them in school or work.
Something to experiment with: I found there was peace in numbers–invite their friends over. Or take them all to the park or the skating rink–oddly, it can be easier to write when there’s a crowd.
In general:
Write in short, dedicated bursts. Try writing sprints. Afterwards, check for continuity errors and transition issues.
And I’ll end with probably my most controversial suggestion to consider. But I feel like it’s realistic and may make our writing more viable (this is strictly from a commercial standpoint). What is it that you’re trying to write? That’s not to say that every book doesn’t have its own individual challenges, but some projects are inherently more challenging than others. Maybe, if you know you’re heading into a rough patch (you’ve got a newborn, your teen is having a tough time with several classes in school, you’re trying to potty-train, your child has been diagnosed with a health issue that it will take some time to tackle with a variety of doctors) , it might be good to put off the research-laden project for a book 2 or 3 in a genre-fiction project you’ve got going.
With everything in life, there should be balance. I don’t think we should spend all our available free time writing. I don’t think we should spend all our available free time parenting. I hope any parent who is feeling a little overwhelmed and torn can experiment with these or other approaches, or modify these approaches to see if it can help them feel more satisfied with their performance as both a writer and a parent.
Do you ever feel guilty about your writing time? What tips can you offer for other parents?
Tips for balancing parenting and writing: Click To TweetPhoto via Visual Hunt
Hi Elizabeth – I can quite see the sense of being focused … and being a single .. yes I can use my time somehow … but focussing you get more done. Also it was your early decision to write books/stories before you had the children … and that balance can be achieved … a long walk for all concerned is always good … cheers Hilary
Hilary–Focusing does help, and it’s so hard in this age of distraction! Long walks are a good thing. :) Hope you have a happy weekend!
Juggling a full-time job with three kids all under the age of 4, I feel this post on so many levels! We have a separate front room to our living room, which is used for game nights and as my writing office and my wife’s music room.
We basically tag-team. If I need to write on a Saturday or Sunday morning, my wife watches the girls in the living room. If she’s got a student to teach or needs to work on a song, I’ll watch them. It means we each get time with the girls, but also time to work on our projects.
Of course, never forget the benefit of getting up an hour or so before your kids, to get some extra work in!
It’s only recently I’ve started accepting invites to things that take me out of the house, since they’ve been born. My wife goes to gigs and I’ll stay home with the kids, and now I’m starting to go to book launches or artist events that come up. It took a long time for my wife to convince me it was okay for me to do that. I always felt guilty at the idea, since I’m the more able-bodied (my wife is a wheelchair-user so it’s harder on her to take care of the girls on her own than it is for me), so I got used to an unbalanced state which was leaving me utterly exhausted.
You’re absolutely right, it’s all about finding the right balance.
Paul–Three kids under the age of 4 is a huge challenge! It’s good to hear that you have a dedicated space in your house that can serve several purposes.
I love the arrangement that you’ve been able to work out with your wife, too. My husband works outside the home (it’s actually a pretty big commute, too), so we don’t have the same arrangement, although he’s been great to work from home and cover for me those times when I need to go to a conference or speak at an event.
Getting up early or turning in late is a very good plan! I used to get up a full hour before everyone in my house, but my daughter gets up at 5:30 (school starts early here for high school–late bell at 7:20) and I’m sticking with my 4:45 most days.
And I think it’s important to know that things change pretty quickly with children and they’re not always as dependent as they are now. It does get easier, or at least the challenges change. My son is in college now and my daughter’s main care need (at 15) is to be driven to her many events. Even that will change soon as she’s driving with a permit now and will be driving independently by the end of next year. But when we’re right in that day-to-day challenge of very young children, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees! I remember thinking that it would always be so hard.
I hope to be a full-time writer well before my kids are teens! Though I don’t mind admitting it’ll be nice when they’re able to get up and get dressed on their own, or do chores like dishes and tidying so I can reserve more energy for writing.
I think it gets a little bit easier every year. :)
Since I don’t have kids, I can only admire the balancing act that it involves.
Why feel guilty? Most people go away for eight to ten hours a day to work a job. While the kid might still be upset that you’re leaving and you feel a little guilty, you still do it. It’s your job. If you’re a writer and author, that’s also your job.
And I don’t do social events without my wife anyway.
Alex–Good point! Thanks, Alex.
Yes, I don’t like going to parties alone, either. Actually, I don’t like going to parties at all… :)
I didn’t start writing seriously until my daughter was 10, and I was a stay-at-home mom, so both of those things made it a little easier for me. At first, I wrote while she was at school. Then that went away when we decided to homeschool. She got my full attention during the day and I wrote at night – after dinner until I went to bed, with breaks to get her off to bed, etc. I had more guilt over not spending as much time with my husband, but he was awesome about it. Now that she’s grown, I still write mostly at night. Hubs and I spend time together during the day (he’s retired now), and I set my butt down here after dinner.
One thing I wanted to mention, my daughter still had the urge from time to time to interrupt my writing. It happens. Kids have questions, comments, curiosity. And it was really derailing my train of thought. So, I asked her, from now on, to stand quietly where I could see her until I finished the sentence I was working on. Then, I would look at her and she could talk. I’d give her my full attention until she was finished, then off she’d go and I’d go back to work. Like I said, though, she was older. And she was pretty much self-sufficient by the time I was writing.
It’s all about teaching kids that writing is important, too. It’s mommy’s job. And now, even though she’s 23 and out on her own, if she chat messages me while I’m working, I tell her I’m writing and ask her to wait – and she tells me to get back to work. LOL
B.E.–When they’re older, it’s usually *so* much easier!
It sounds like you had a great amount of balance then (and still do now…with your time with your husband). And sounds like you’ve also done a great job showing that writing is important to you (both then and now).
There are times when I can’t imagine tossing a kid into my busy day. But then I remember when we were foster parents. Ashley was a teen who stayed with us for 8 months, and she went with me on many a book signing. Involving them makes a difference.
Diane–Another big challenge! And you’re right about involving kids in our writing.
Thanks, Elizabeth, for this thoughtful post. I think the key to parenting and writing is to understand that you can’t do it all, all at once. What this means (at least to me) is that we need to show our children that they are our priority by keeping the focus on them when we’re interacting with them. But then, when it’s writing time, so to speak, I think we need to teach them that we to focus on that, too – no interruptions. It means solid planning and it means those rules you mentioned (which are great, by the way!). But it’s worth it for kids to learn that we love them more than anything – and we take pride in and care about our writing.
Margot–I think it’s fair–total focus on them, total focus on writing (for however long we’re allowed). It’s tough, of course, with all the distractions around (and writers are notorious for being easily distracted).
Thanks for sharing this, Elizabeth.
My daughter is now twelve (“almost thirteen,” she’ll tell you), so I’ve experienced a range of writer/daughter scenarios and levels of guilt. I don’t know that any one stage is easier or harder than another. They are all unique … I suppose that’s part of what keeps us slightly off balance.
I agree with you about the importance of modeling commitment to an art. Until recently, I felt guilty not only about writing, but also about reading. How could I choose to sit on the couch and read for pleasure (not even for work!) instead of doing something with my daughter? But then I realized that giving her an example of someone who is making time to read FOR FUN is a big deal. My daughter, like most kids her age, spends an inordinate amount of time on digital devices. I’m working on ways to minimize her screen time, but at the same time I think it’s equally important to show her that you can be entertained by something other than a smartphone or laptop AND (when it comes to writing) that there’s a LOT to be said about spending as much time CREATING as you do CONSUMING.
Thanks for bringing focus to the complexity and “adventure” of being a writer who is also someone’s mom (or dad!). :)
Jamie–Oh, definitely, the *reading*! And you’re so right…you’re modeling reading for your daughter. You’re showing her the value in reading as entertainment.
And I especially love your point about balancing consuming with creating! So important and well-put!
Sometimes (I just can’t seem to help myself, it’s so hard to separate reading for pleasure from reading as a writer) I’ll tell my daughter: “You know, I’d enjoy this book a lot more if there weren’t so many characters that had similar names.” Or: “That book I was reading scared me so much that I didn’t sleep for hours!” I hope/think it pulls her into my reading just as much as when I share my writing with her.
I can relate to what you’ve said about sharing some details about your reading experience. My daughter has reached an age where she makes more of an effort to learn about what I’m “actually” doing all day while she’s at school. Used to be, she’d come home and ask, “What’d you do all day?” and I’d answer that I’d worked. But, now she pushes for more details, asking things like, “But what did you work on?”
With reading, I do try to encourage her to find that balance between pure enjoyment and being discerning. We all have our guilty pleasures, but I hope to help her develop good taste. ;)
Jamie–That’s so funny! My daughter (15) just in the last 6 months or so has also asked the same type of questions. At first I thought she was just being polite, but now I give more detailed answers as she keeps the conversation up. Maybe it really does help them to relate.
Good taste is a good thing! You sound like a great mom.
You sound like a great mom, too! :)
I’m so glad you’ve tackled this subject, Elizabeth. I was a mom in the 70’s during the so-called “Mommy Wars.” It’s ridiculous that society is so set up to make women feel guilty for wanting more than to be a mom. Your suggestions for balance show it is possible to be both a good mom and to not give up who we are and other things that are important to us. Bravo!
Karen–Thanks so much!
And…I remember those days! I was on the child end of things in the 70s, but I remember so well some of the things people said about the moms who worked and put their kids in daycare, etc. I’m so glad those days seem to be behind us (definitely still some residue out there, but so much better than it was!) And I think working on something important to us can really demonstrate to our kids that not only is art important, but that Mom has other dimensions and complexities.
What a wonderful post, Elizabeth. This is an issue that comes up over and over in my writing groups. I am fortunate now to work while my kids are in school, but there are days during the summer and vacation breaks when deadlines loom and the kids are home. It’s always nice to be reminded of these kinds of strategies.
Kirsten–Thanks! Summer and holidays pose special challenges for all of us–we’re knocked off our usual routine. But with some planning and that balance, it does work out pretty well. Hope some of the strategies work for you!
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