I’ll admit that I’m not one of those people who does a great job with social cues. In fact, I frequently don’t know what to make of exchanges I have with other people. Are they trying to tell me something? Are they hinting at anything? I’m one of those people that you just have to come out with a sledgehammer and hit me over the head with it. I am not going to pick up on your hints. Do you want your child to be worked into the drama carpool? Do you wish I’d stop talking about writing during lunch? Did I make you mad because I forgot to ask how your weekend trip went? You should tell me.
I was with two other moms at my daughter’s book club meeting a few days ago. Their daughters are also in the Brownie troop that I co-lead (yes, I’m overextended. Bleh.)
We were supposed to have an investiture ceremony for the girls and the facility wasn’t available that day of the week. The other leader suggested an alternate date—the one night I wasn’t available because of a meeting. Unfortunately, it meant we had to restructure the event to make it less fun for the girls….the potluck part of the evening wasn’t going to happen, but we could have cake.
So we’re talking during the book club and one mom says to the other, “We could have had the investiture on the 12th, but Elizabeth couldn’t do it. She has this busy schedule now that she’s got two book series, you know. Always making these author appearances.”
Hmm.
Since I’m clueless about social cues, but I like to do a Good Job (at Brownie leading, too), I tried to dissect this later. Was she being mean? Was there a roll of the eyes? A slight smirk? Was there anything in her tone to suggest she thought I was being difficult? Or a diva? Am I not doing a Good Job?
Was she simply explaining the situation to the other mom? Why the date wouldn’t work?
Was she poking fun at me?
Was she trying to laugh with me? In which case it didn’t work since I was frowned in confusion at her before I changed the subject.
Then I just gave up analyzing it from a personal standpoint since I was never going to figure it out anyway. And thought about it from a writing standpoint. As I write more and more, I’m becoming even more of a fan of subtlety. I think it’s tough to do with 75,000 words, but I’m trying.
The scene above….it could be played out so many different ways. What is the person’s motivation? Their background? Are they normally snide? What about the person they’re addressing? Are they sensitive? Or clueless like me?
Leaving the reader wondering might be good, too. Or you could have different people have different reactions and assessments of the conversation. That’s only natural since different people bring different experiences to the table when they’re reading a situation.
You can change the syntax to bring a different slant to an important scene. Just by choosing slightly different wording, you can change the entire tone of an exchange. It can go from innocent to menacing.
You can show reactions of other characters through speech or demeanor.
You can show the facial expressions or physical actions of the person talking—are they agitated? Are they too calm? Does their voice have an edge to it? Are they blissfully unaware of the reaction they’re producing?
I love the idea of creating little mysteries about people and their motivations in a scene. Because….do we ever really figure people out? And—for the writers out there—do we really want to? Viva la uncertainty!
And just like in real life, the characters we write about can say one thing, and be receive in a totally different way.
The other mom may not have meant anything except you have a busy schedule. But you know what, she might have been jealous thereby trying to make you look like you would put your books before…. We peeps are very interesting. No wonder we have so much to write about.
Elizabeth – I think even people who are good at picking up on social cues can have difficulty “reading” someone’s reaction. That’s because there could be any one of a number of reasons a person reacts in the way s/he does. That’s the beauty of writing those mysterious scenes: someone can say something and mean exactly the opposite. Or, someone can be telling the truth and the sleuth can go off in the wrong direction becasue s/he thinks that person is lying. What makes people so interesting to write about is that you never really know…
You’re right, without knowing background and motivation there is no way we’ll ever know how she intended the comment to be taken. Unfortunately we can’t get into people’s heads in real life, only in books. Another great post Elizabeth.
Sounds like you’ve got a passive agressive Brownie co-mom type to me… I suspect she is a little jealous and it is coming out as if YOU are inconveniencing HER because she really wishes she WAS you.
You see, I am an EXPERT is passive agressive… I was raised by one. (only fortunately, as the child, I was usually the subject rather than object of said aggression)
Great opportunity though to parse language and situation! (I love how you see an opportunity, even in the most annoying people)
I tried to be subtle on my blog by using bold to highlight some areas, but it doesn’t work with black background and white lettering! The point: it doesn’t work everywhere and in with everyone. It certainly doesn’t work with my husband and he knows it. Russ always tells me, “Don’t be subtle with me, you know I won’t get it.”
The difference in books, we can be as subtle as we want along the way, and we get to reveal all at the end! Fabulous.
Thanks for a great post. Hope your Saturday is as great for writing in NC as mine is!
Michele
SouthernCityMysteries
You make a great point about the mysteries behind the people. Maybe she meant nothing at all. It’s just her nature to talk blunt without knowing she sounds harsh.
Maybe she’d had a bad day and was just venting. Then again, some people are just nasty and think everything should be done on their schedule and they way they want it to.
Good luck with this mom.
Your blog struck terror into my heart when you said you only had 75,000 words for your story. I. Can’t. Write. That. Short.
My characters tend to do exactly what you did — hear a comment, or see a situation, and try to figure out what it means. And since I write deep POV, there’s no hopping into the other character’s head to figure it out.
So, even though I set a goal of 70-90K for my current WIP, shooting for 85K, I couldn’t bring in draft #1 under 96K. I’m cutting (as those who have visited my blog know). But do I want to trade subtleties for ‘telling’? I don’t know.
Good post, Elizabeth. It is hard to inject subtlety into the written word. Sometimes I feel I’m being too subtle and that no reader will get what I’m doing.
In real life, I totally prefer the sledgehammer. Of course, my head can get pretty sore when people converse with me!
I miss social cues a lot too. Thanks for this post! I think it’s really going to help me with my dialogue!
Being a teacher, I’m pretty good at picking up on body language, vocal tone and other cues. I think of it as a survival skill for me :)
Her comments make me wonder, but it’s too hard to judge!!
I use body language comments in my writing all the time – hopefully they’re not too subtle!
This is such an excellent point. Email is the same thing – you can’t read expressions or tones and thereby you can misinterpret someone’s meaning. I would have been as confused as you were by the other mom’s comments.
Karen
I’m so like you in not picking up social clues. My friends they need to hit me over the head with something before I finally “get it.” On the other hand I have friends who read worlds into a raised eyebrow or twitch of a smile. These extremes might play well against each other with characters.
Well, I think I am quite good at getting the message in a face-to-face conversation, but on the phone? Quite another thing.
And as you indicate, it is great to use all these possible misunderstandings in fiction. I love hints which can be interpreted in lots of ways. So nasty, spiteful, ambiguous characters are a great asset in crime fiction!
“Viva la uncertainty!” What you said.
Good points here, again … I dislike “predictable” writing, and enjoy it when a writer leaves you kind of wondering …
Marvin D Wilson
That does sooo relate to writing. In the example you gave, we would need to know her tone or her expression or see the little tick at the corner of her eye or the smirk. When we write, we hear the character say the line, but the reader can only read. They don’t hear the way the character spoke.
Great post.
Helen
Straight From Hel
My reaction to that comment would have been much worse than changing the subject. But I can be a little hot-headed. *insert family members laughing here*
I know many people who don’t think writing is work. They believe we sit around all day doing nothing and view our events are merely an excuse to socialize. Comments like this make me think of those people.
JW–Usually people complain about email and how ambiguous it is–what does someone mean by a statement? But I think real life is much tougher to decipher!
Margot–You’re right…in mysteries it’s SO much fun to delve into. I love it when the sleuth/reader misinterprets a conversation. The resulting red herring is great to follow!
Hart–I forgot about the passive-aggressive personality type! That probably does fit the bill with this lady. It would be an interesting type of character to write because people have so many different reactions to manipulation. You’re really well-adjusted considering you were raised by that type of person! At least you weren’t on the receiving end of it.
I usually do look at life through the writing lens, but I like the distance it gives me. Otherwise I tend to get too annoyed with people. And they really can’t help the way they are, frequently.
Cassandra–Real life is frustrating that way. So much better in writing where we determine the motivation and outcome! :)
Michele–It’s funny you mentioned your husband…I’m the only woman I know who doesn’t get social cues. But there are LOTS of men that way. It may be one reason why it’s easy for me to have conversations with men–there’s usually only one level of depth there. And it’s beautiful weather today for writing! We have house guests, but I’m thinking I can squeeze in some writing later.
Mason–That’s the interesting thing about people–they’re just so mysterious! At least with writing, we know exactly what’s going on with our characters.
Thanks for the good luck wish! She’s my cookie mom, so I need to continue working with her!
Terry–Oh, you could if that word count were in your contract! Actually, the Myrtle Clover series is more like 65,000. The Memphis BBQ one is 75,000. It just takes some finagling.
I’m with you on then head-hopping…I don’t usually trade out POVs either. Makes it more interesting that way.
Alan–Aye, there’s the rub. Will our READERS get it? I guess our editors will let us know if we’re being too obscure.
I’ve told ALL of my friends to use the sledgehammer when it comes to conversations with me. They all know to talk to me as if I were five!
Kristen–Hope it helps! Good luck with it.
Marvin–True. Makes it more realistic and gives the reader something to wonder about.
Helen–That’s the cool thing about writing. I get to fill in all the cues that I don’t get when I’m actually in the conversation! Or not…leave the person’s motivation as a mystery.
Jemi–I think that would be a good trait for a teacher to have!
And if it’s too subtle, that makes it interesting for readers, too!
Karen–Email really can be…so many people tell me that. I think that I REALLY overstate my meaning in an email so there won’t be any confusion about where I’m coming from.
Carol–You’re so right. You can have a character who is finding deep meaning in every little facial movement playing off of someone like us who needs everything spelled out. Could be interesting!
In real life, I’m like you. Don’t give me hints because I won’t pick up on them. You want me to do something, be specific and ask me! Good twist in using your real life as an example for us. Thanks!
Dorte–They’re wonderful in mysteries, aren’t they? Mixed signals…
Tara–You know, I used to have people calling me up all morning. But they’ve gotten so much better over the last year or so. “Are you working?” they ask. This makes me feel *wonderful*. They realize I’m *working*! You’re right…writing is one of those activities where people can just think you’re bumming around all day.
Judy–Exactly! I think my family and friends are finally catching on. For instance–guilt trips? I will NOT go on a guilt trip…I just won’t understand that you’re trying to make me guilty. There’s some nut or bolt inside my head that’s missing. But it makes things SO much easier that my friends are picking up on this. Spell it out for me. That’s all I ask! :)
I’ve learned that most of the time my perception is off, especially when judging the motives of others. Ask my husband- the most misunderstood soul I know.
From a writing perspective this is a great tool to remember. Thanks!
Tamika, I know what you mean by perception being off. My poor husband also suffers from it. “What do you mean by saying I look good when I put on some makeup? Does that mean I don’t look good the rest of the time?” I’m always reading too much into things.
Oh, I’d say the other Brownie leader definitely had her claws out. Don’t worry about it though – she’ll get her comeuppance when her house and garage are filled to the ceiling with boxes of cookies.
(I was going to write “just desserts” instead of “comeuppance” but didn’t quite have the nerve.)