Cristi Craig wrote a great post for the Write it Sideways blog called “The Dilemma of the Mother Writer.” In it, she gave an illustration of the tug of war she feels between writing and motherhood:
When I flipped through pictures that my four year old daughter took recently, I saw a heartbreaking pattern: me, wearing reading glasses while I worked on my laptop; me, at the island in the kitchen typing away on my laptop; me, serving as backdrop behind a portrait of her doll, sporting my laptop. It was a painful truth and a testament to the life of a mother writer. I am always stealing time to write.
I’m sure this is a story that resonates with any parent who feels that tug between work and family time.
I’m lucky that I’m able to stay at home and write. But I do have a lot to accomplish—both writing and promo. My goal each day is to finish everything on the computer by 2:00 (which is when my younger child gets off the school bus.) Sometimes I can accomplish this goal…sometimes not.
Over the years, I’ve developed strategies that I hope work for both the children and me:
I’ve noticed that sometimes the laptop creates a wall between me and the children. Sometimes I’ll be working in the same room with kids…they’re doing homework, I’m writing. If I sense that they might want to talk about their day or open up to me about something during their homework time, I’ll write on paper. Otherwise, the laptop seems to stop them in their tracks.
I try to share with them what I’m doing. I spend so much time on the laptop that I realized they must wonder what it was that I was so busy doing. I talk to them about my books, about promo, about blogging, etc. I try to involve them a little in the process by asking their opinions about different things—do they like a character’s name? What do they think about the book’s setting?
When the children are talking to me, I don’t look at the laptop. It makes it look like I think my writing is more important than they are…and I definitely don’t want to give that impression.
When I’m talking with them, I try not to think about anything other than our conversation. (And this is a tough one, because I’m easily distracted.) I do this by asking intelligent follow-up questions for what they’re telling me…instead of going “mmm.”
Still, I need to get work done. Instead of writing in the same room as the children (when I really need to write), and possibly getting irritated with interruptions—I just go write behind a closed door. I preface the writing session by telling the kids, “I’ve got to get some work done. I’m going to write for 25 minutes, then I can play cards/talk/read a book with you.” Then they know I haven’t just disappeared for hours (honestly, I can’t write for hours anyway.) When they were younger, I set a timer outside my door so they could see how much longer I was going to be unavailable.
Although this post is on juggling parenting and writing, it also applies to writing around other family members, too. (Well, to some degree. I can only imagine the look on my husband’s face, if I put a timer outside the door and told him to be quiet for 25 minutes!) How do you set parameters for your writing—respecting your writing time, but also respecting your family time and obligations?
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Elizabeth – What great ideas for balancing the most important work you do – raising your children – with your writing. I admire your priorities, and I’ve always had the same priority. And that need for balance doesn’t change as they get older.
One thing I’ve found is that if my daughter really wants my attention, it’s most meaningful for her if I’m not even sitting near a computer. If I can’t see the computer, then it’s easier for me to focus on what she’s saying.
This IS a great list of ideas. I especially like drawing the children in (and spouse)on the process. I still have the toy typewriter that I bought my son so he could have his own typewriter.
T
Ah, the benefits of being an empty nester. Hubster doesn’t mind if I put a sign on my door (or just close it). I think he relishes his own private time, too.
Terry
Terry’s Place
Romance with a Twist–of Mystery
A lot of that applies to a spouse, too. If my husband comes into my office, I force myself to turn around and away from the computer.
Don’t know how people do it with children. Then again, I did it when we had foster kids in the house, and I just made it work.
I too try to finish the day’s writing before the kids come home. Since they’re teenagers, they’re not exactly bursting with news, but it’s amazing how many times, if Mom’s head isn’t hidden by her laptop, they start opening up.
Great tips! I have two toddlers and a preschooler, so they are a bit more demanding at this stage. But I try to squeeze in as much as I can during quiet times (like naps). I’m going to remember the timer trick for when they are older–leaving them unattended for 25 minutes at this point is probably not such a good idea :).
These are wonderful ways to balance mothering and writing. You are very lucky you can do what you do at home. It’s much harder when you work outside the home. I am fortunate in that I work at home while hubby still goes to a job, so I have quiet all day long.
Still, making the time to write has to become a priority.
Karen
I made the committment to always stop typing whenever someone asks me a question. I don’t ever want my family to think they can never approach me. Props to you and great post today.
I’m an empty-nester, too, but I can appreciate your juggling act. When I was a working (as in, not at home) mom, it was always a challenge to make enough time for my kids. And there’s nothing more important.
My wife would not tolerate the timer…
Margot–Those computers can be so distracting!
Teresa–That’s a great idea–the toy typewriter. :) Or maybe an old laptop that no longer works.
Diane–Oh, it’s just one of those things where the OLD way I was trying to juggle everything wasn’t working, so I had to think of something better.
Terry–Putting a sign up sounds like a good idea, too. Or a sticky note.
Stephen–Sounds like you’re juggling it all really well!
Linda–Exactly. Family is the priority…and it’s just making sure that writing time is fit in a way that doesn’t mess up that family time.
Alex –I’m thinking it wouldn’t be popular here, either. :)
Excellent balancing ideas, thank you!
Hi Elizabeth .. good for you – having worked out those parameters and they seem so sensible .. it’s having that balance …
.. and the thought of a ‘pinger’ outside the door to let you know your hubby you’re free .. is great!!
Good murder story??!! Cheers Hilary
What a wonderful idea. When I was little, my mom was working on her PhD dissertation and I remember thinking of her typewriter as my rival. I hated that thing!
BTW, I’ve given you a shout out on my blog today. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve revealed a Twitter secret I learned from you. You’re my Twitter role-model!
I was wondering if you know anyone who will teach my doggies to read a timer. Maybe they teach it in the How to Ignore a Squirrel class.
You know I’m kidding. Good ideas here because no matter how our families are made up, we all have problems making writing time.
Thank you for these tips. I’m always looking for ways to maintain balance. I’m not always successful.
That parenting balance is hard! My kids are older so they get it, but I don’t like secluding myself too often – I miss out on what they’re up to and that’s no fun!
It’s hard to combine parenthood with many things, I think, including geophysics and writing. There’s not enough time
Cold As Heaven
Raelyn–Hope they help!
Elspeth–If they have an opportunity, it’s amazing how they’ll sometimes want to talk about whatever is on their minds.
Erin–When my daughter was a baby, I worked during naps and Sesame Street. :) She’s in 4th grade now and the TV time doesn’t seem to have hurt her.
Hilary–I really want to see my hubby’s reaction on that one! Ha!
Karen–That’s wonderful that you’re able to prioritize it! I know that even with quiet hours at home, that time just flies.
Anne–Thanks so much! Wow, sort of scary to be a role model! Not sure I’m the best one for that–maybe Jane Friedman.
Carol–I know what you mean about those squirrels! My corgi is on a squirrel watch at all times. We have a baffle on our bird feeder, but the squirrels have figured it out.
Erika–Me either. In fact, I always drop the ball with *something* every day. It’s either the housework, the social media, the writing, or the family. I try not to have it be family, but there are days where I’m definitely not present enough there.
Cold As Heaven–I have a funny feeling there will *never* be enough time in my day to combine geophysics and *anything!* :)
Jemi–Exactly. And it’s easy to get behind on knowing what they’re up to or for them to fall out of the habit of talking with us about their day.