Longtime readers of this blog will know that for a couple of years I’ve been really reluctant to admitting to be a writer. Especially in casual conversation with a new acquaintance.
That’s because, in my experience, whenever you mention being a writer, the focus of the conversation shifts to you. Many writers are introverts and aren’t especially excited about being in a conversation with someone they don’t know anyway, much less being the focus of it.
For me, though, it got to the point where it was ridiculous not to mention it. I found that if I didn’t mention my writing, then people didn’t understand why I couldn’t volunteer every day at the school (I still volunteer a lot there), or why I couldn’t talk on the phone for long periods of time during the mornings. Or why I’d disappear into my house around deadlines and not be seen out.
Writing and promotion became such a huge time-taking part of my life that it was impossible NOT to say something about it.
But I’m not a salesperson. Or, at least, I’m a really rotten one. So I tend to say, “I’m a writer” in the same tone of voice that someone would use for “I’m an accountant.” It’s very matter-of-fact. If they ask a lot of questions, I hand them my business card (especially since I have a pen name. New acquaintances have a hard enough time remembering my real name, without having to learn a pen name, too.)
Then I get the heck out of the conversation as fast as possible.
I’ve decided that there is no typical response when you say you’re a writer. I’ve gotten:
“Should I know who you are?” (No.)
“Are your books at the library?” (Yes.)
“I have an idea for you! I’ve always wanted to write about…”
There are, also, questions I always get:
“What types of books do you write?”
“Are you published?”
“Do you write under your own name?”
“How many books have you written?” (7, but there are only 2 on the shelf right now—and one on backlist, 1 in production, and 1 that’s due in a month that I’m editing. And one that will be finished in a few months.)
This past week I had two times where I needed to mention what I do. And they were probably the worst reactions that I get. So for those of you who are worried about mentioning your writing? These are the worst-case scenarios…and it’s really not that bad.
The first time was on Monday. I was on a field trip and had been asked by the school to pick up another chaperone and carpool with her for the 45 minutes to the field trip destination.
She said, “So, tell me what you do. Because I haven’t yet met any housewives here in Matthews.” (She was new to the area. There are plenty of homemakers and stay-at-home moms.)
“I’m a writer.”
“You write books!?””
“Yes.”
She looked at me disbelievingly and changed the subject. Lovely ride for another 40 minutes or so in the car. 
The next time was last week with a new physician I’m seeing. He’s intended to cure me of my lifetime sleep problems (good luck with that.) He asked me what I did for a living.
“I’m a writer.”
“You write books. They’re on the shelf.” (These were not questions.)
“Yes.”
“I could go over to the store and get them.”
“Yes.”
He looked at me very seriously for a minute. He apparently has one of those really dour personalities. “That’s very interesting,” he said, in a completely deadpan voice.
I burst out laughing because his expression and his tone totally belied his words. He really didn’t find it very interesting, but thought he should say that he did.
Now there are writers out there who really don’t want to (and shouldn’t) reveal they’re writers. Being put in the spotlight might affect their creative process too much.
But for those of you out there who would actually make life easier by admitting to being a writer (because people would leave you alone more during your free time)—I’m here to tell you that it can be done. And you can become immune to people’s reactions (I think I have now), find them interesting enough to make the people into characters if they have a unique reaction to your revelation (that doctor may have to fit in to a WiP somewhere)—or possibly even sell a couple of books.
If I can do it, so can you!
Are you still in the closet, in regards to your writing? Or have you come out to the world about it?
Haha, this made me laugh out loud (and that’s not a good thing, because I am sneak-read at the library in between thesising… But it was worth it!).
Frankly, I think it sounds like you must have met two people with exceptionally poor social skills. Especially the lady – the doctor at least had the decency to pretend he cared (even if he didn’t know how). If I had asked what someone’s profession was, no matter what they replied I would have tried to react slightly more interested than that! “I’m an accountant.” Okay, I’d ask how they liked it, or what sort of clients they had. Surely there must be something to say about any profession, that makes the conversation flow slightly better for a long car ride? People are weird.
Then again, if the person I talked to had told me she was a writer, I would have wanted to know EVERYTHING…
Elizabeth – Oh, I had to laugh at those worst-case stories! I can just see that doctor’s face!! How funny.
Like you, I’m an introvert, so it’s not easy for me to say a lot about myself, especially to people I don’t know well. What I do have going for me is that I am an educator, so I am used to talking to people. Weird mix, I know.
I do tell people that I’m a writer, although I don’t usually initiate that. When people find out, they often feel compelled to say something about it, so they usually ask me what I write. When I say I write mysteries, the crime fiction fans are interested. The others find an excuse to head in the other direction ;-). The most annoying comment I ever got about being a writer was, “Oh, that’s cute!” Cute? CUTE?!?! But usually, people are lots better than that. I encourage all writers to let people know what you do. It’s worth it.
Elizabeth, I’m proud of you for finally owning up to the fact.
Sometimes, when I tell an old friend/acquaintance that I’m now a writer, I’ll get a “NO WAY!” Then I usually tell them I was joking and move on.
Very funny! Of course what’s not so amusing is when one says, “I’m a writer” and hasn’t been published yet.
Sigh.
LOL! Yes I can identify with that. My first degree was psychology and I’d get “I don’t mean to be rude but what do you actually *do* with psychology?” or “Are you going to psychoanalyse me then?” When I became a speech therapist people thought I was an elocutionist and stated commenting on how they should talk more clearly in front of me. Now I say I have ‘taken up writing’ rather than ‘I’m a writer’ and people smile with a far away look of envy.
I love the synopsis of your Delicious Suspicious novel. Will ask Santa for a copy. :O)
I’m like you – I don’t mention it much.
And that must’ve been a fun ride with that other parent.
Get down on your knees and thank God every night that you don’t write romance.
The comments and looks when you say you write romance are so much worse, and the condescension is beyond belief.
It certainly toughens one up in the real world.
I absolutley loved the hilarious candor of this post! LOL
I always “admit” (wink) I’m a writer.
Marvin D Wilson
Interesting reactions! It’s almost like these two people were really saying, “What KIND of writer are you?” A real one who publishes real books for sale, or someone who pretends. I definitely identify with the trying to justify the long hours at home when people want you to do other stuff with your time.
I love the idea of using people’s reactions for character development. That’s brilliant!
I’m actually getting to that point myself. I spend time with people and say, “I’m tired.” They look at me like I’m crazy because I don’t work. Also, they wonder why I don’t clean my own house and have a housekeeper come in twice a week… Sure, I do home school my son and do the accounting for my husband’s company but I think they think I’m really lazy.
CD
This made me laugh! I would have liked to have been in that car with you – the expression on the other parent’s face must have been priceless!
I’m only out of the closet with my family and closest friends. I feel like I’d look silly saying it, since I don’t have books on shelves.
You’re right about the attention, too. I feel weird when I’m the subject of a conversation, so I’d rather just keep it to myself. For now!
Cruella–You’d have said, “I’m a writer, too!” and we’d have had a *wonderful* car trip to the field trip! Wish you’d been with me instead! But every once in a while, that disclosure about writing *is* a conversation-killer and I never know why. Maybe some people feel like they’re being observed? I think the lady thought I must be lying. I think the doctor was bored. :)
Margot–Being a teacher would REALLY help with the communication skills, I’d think. Mine definitely need help!
Oh gosh.”Cute” would probably be the one comment I wouldn’t be able to take without becoming combative. Of course, I’m tall and look down on lots of people (literally, not figuratively), so “cute” isn’t a word usually ascribed to me! :)
Madeleine–Ha! People get so self-conscious, don’t they? As if you were there *working* instead of having some free time to relax. “Taking up writing” is a good way of putting it. So many people *want* to write (or say they do.)
Thanks so much! Hope Santa will bring you one. :)
Alex–Oh, yes. I’m not a great conversationalist anyway, and feeling uncomfortable doesn’t help!
Marilynn–I can only imagine! People are so tacky. Once in a while, when I’ve said I was a mystery writer, the person has said something like, “Uh oh! Is there poison in the food you brought?” And I’ll just very seriously say that yes, there is. Easier to joke about it. Of course, romance is outselling other genres by a ton–I think that might be a good point to bring up, if I were feeling defensive about it with somebody.
The Old Silly–You are one of my role models, Marvin!
Karen–They think it’s the perfect volunteer opportunity, don’t they? It would be more accurate for me to say “I’m an author,” but it sounds so priggish to me that I just can’t make myself do it. It would probably clear up some of the initial confusion from people, if I *did* put it that way, though.
Alan–It took a loonnnnng time to own up to! Isn’t it funny how people are so willing to think we’re lying about it? Your friends, though, know you’re a funny guy, so maybe that’s why they’re chalking it up to you making it all up.
Heather–Making lemonade out of lemons. :)
Clarissa–And there’s no other explanation for it! They come to weird conclusions about our behavior, otherwise.
Belle–I think she may have thought I was a compulsive liar or a fantasist. :)
Marisa–I remember being in my 20s and telling 2 men I worked with that I was a writer. “Sure you are!” they said to each other, laughing. Grr. Being a writer doesn’t mean you have to be published. But it kept me from mentioning it after that point.
Julie–It’s definitely one of those revelations that people just don’t hear every day! But if publication trips you up from mentioning it, I’d probably submit to some local magazines–we have parenting mags here that are DYING for copy. Then you can say you write articles…and you’re working on a book.
“You’re a writer? What do you do all day?”
Yeah. I’m…not looking forward to that. And with my family, that’s probably what I’ll get. And then I’ll get punchy…
I think it would be easier to talk about it if there weren’t so many follow up questions.
The comment I don’t like to hear: “How nice.”
It’s so bland. I’m enthused and I don’t want to hear bland.
JEFritz–And there are *usually* lots of questions that follow. But not if you smile and make an excuse and run off to get another plate of food or to refresh your drink. :) Which is what I usually do, to evade the questions at a party.
Gretchen–Ugh. It’s sort of condescending, too, isn’t it?
I am out of the closet about my writing, to a point. Have been for a long, long time. Everyone in my family knew I was into writing for years before I actually started writing. I’ve never been ashamed of it, of the content, etc… The only people that don’t know, are my in-laws because DH is embarrassed by the content of my writing. However, we’ve argued about this and he knows I won’t bite my tongue about it anymore with anyone. I’m proud of what I do. I’m published. I work hard. I make money. I’m not about to sweep it under the rug for people that might get offended by it. That’s not my problem.
I love my job.
People–hmm. I guess you need them to buy and read the books, but otherwise…. Very funny and not.
I tell very few that I write and then throw in, “it’s my therapy”, thinking they might think I’m actually a professional writer and expect something from me. :)
I’m shy about it.
I tell everyone I’m a writer. In hopes it explaines why I’m so spacy all the time :)
I’d like to be a full time writer, but the first book has to publish – first.
But it is interesting all the different responses people have to writers.
I just laugh, carry on doing what makes me happy.
Good luck on all the projects you have going on. Wow, that sounds like a fascinating life to me :)
……dhole
Thanks for this post!
I thought I was all alone in the writer’s closet. Pssh. I feel much better now.
What is it with people and their attitudes towards those of use who write?
I have a few supportive friends. But that’s it. And family members never ask, “How’s the project coming?” I don’t dare tell strangers/acquaintances that I write. Unless I’m Stephen King, they don’t want me to rub up against me.
Maybe those who snub their noses should give it a try. It ain’t that easy, folks.
Lissa–I’ve heard other writers bring that up, too. I think that’s the hardest thing to deal with. You *shouldn’t* have to hide it, especially if you’re not the one who has the problem with revealing it.
Donna–Good point! People are a LOT more forgiving with my absentmindedness now–I think they think it comes with the territory.
I’ve got a new series. :) I’ll have to do a post on it soon. Thanks!
Jackie–There are a LOT of us in the writer’s closet. :) I was in there for so many years that I’d set up house there.
I think that people who *aren’t* creative don’t really understand why we put ourselves through all this–the writing, the revising, the research–and then all the rejection. They don’t “get” it, so it’s hard to be supportive.
I’ve gotten everything from curiosity to disbelief now, so I think I can’t possibly be surprised. Oh–except the people who think I know big-name authors because I’m an author. That always surprises me that they’d think that. That’s a no. I’ve met Louise Penny (who is charming) and briefly met Mary Higgins Clark–but I sure don’t know her.
Oh the car incident was hilarious! I can’t imagine what she was thinking???!
But I think it’s wonderful that you do own up to being a writer….especially since you write wonderful books!
Suzanne–I think she thought I’m a big liar! I let it drop. :) But I thought it was funny…after I’d finished the carpool, anyway!
Great post!
I consider myself introvert, but after fifteen years´ teaching and some years in local politics, I know I have changed a bit.
Still, it was a huge step beginning to admit that I was a writer – even before I had published *one* line. Blogging (and online writing courses) helped me take that step, though. I realized that to begin to take myself seriously, coming out of the closet was one of the necessary steps. If I couldn´t see myself as a writer before I had sold anything, why should the editor take me seriously?
And my colleagues are super (well, most teachers do read books so I suppose that helps) – neither too curious nor too deadpan :D
You made me laugh too! I’m definitely not telling anyone until I have a book on the shelf! :)
Teresa–I think most of us are. The way you put it is nice–you’ve told them what you do, but they hopefully won’t pepper you with too many questions, either!
I’m new to your blog. This is a wonderful post.
I just started writing for magazines two years ago. It’s only recently that I’ve felt comfortable telling folks that I’m a writer, among other things.
I felt like I hadn’t earned the right to say that I was a writer. I don’t have any published books out or any cover stories on stands. But then I realized that everyone has got to start somewhere. So, I stopped dimming my light and began to tell anyone who asked.
You’re right. I do instantly turn into the most interesting person in the room. But I own it and quickly began to network, build opportunities and use the attention to my advantage. I guess I’m a pretty good salesman.
Funny thing is, my significant other couldn’t care less. LOL.
I’m still giggling here…!
You forgot to say that some people assume that you have a free copy in your purse to give to them right now, and get all huffy if you suggest the local bookstore?
And if you make the mistake of actually giving them one, they won’t read it, which leads to embarrassing conversations a few weeks later where they try to pretend that they have…
Yes indeed, Mystery Writing IS Murder!!
Trish
Marilynn Byerly said:
Get down on your knees and thank God every night that you don’t write romance.
The comments and looks when you say you write romance are so much worse, and the condescension is beyond belief.
Ain’t that the truth. Erotic romance is even better and by better I mean worse.
I want to be able to say “I’m a writer,” without fearing the inevitable “What do you write?” but I know I’ll get the sniggers and offers to help with ‘research’.
*sigh* I have no-one to blame but myself when it comes to demands on my time, though. People assume because I don’t have children or a job outside the home that I can drop everything and go tend to whatever.
It’s a simple matter of saying, “No, I’m working,” or “No, I have a deadline,” but simple isn’t always easy…
I just nonchalantly throw it out there and get the “oh, that’s cool” response and that’s usually the end of it.
Wow, I’ve just been composing a blog post on this subject! It’s taken me a year to ‘admit’ to being a writer, mostly because I feel I can’t describe myself as one because I’m not published. I feel I can’t legitimately claim the title, even though I spend every spare minute writing. :(
I, too, dread the “what do you do?” question.
The worst reaction I ever had was:
“Oh really. What do you write?”
“Speculative fiction, mostly horror.”
“You write MADE UP stuff?” “Why would you waste your time making up stuff? Why don’t you write about real stuff?”
I just shook my head. I don’t know . . . writing about “made up stuff” sure seems to be working for people like Stephen King, Lol.
In spite of the reactions, I still say, “I’m a writer.” Writing is a hard enough vocation without feeling like it’s something we have to hide. I also consider it an affirmation: if I say it enough, (and I’m doing the work, of course), then it must be true.
Dorte–You’ve made a VERY good point about coming clean about your writing–we need to look professional to book industry people. If we’re not able to talk about it, then it makes us look like we’re not as serious.
I bet your colleagues are all rooting for you!
Jemi–Or, if you do, be prepared for that question! Ha!
Shydel–People, I think, really *understand* magazine writing. That and journalism seem a lot easier to be grasped. They’ll *totally* accept you’re a writer…and then you can say: “And I’m working on a book that I hope will be published one day.”
The whole energy in the room changes, doesn’t it, after we bring up our writing? And that’s horrifying to many of us. I just try to shift it back off of me at the first opportunity. I’m not afraid to use gimmicks like, “Do y’all smell something burning?” Yes, I’ve said that before. Writers are such great liars. :)
I saw a great blog post about 6 months ago from a published writer whose husband is just completely disinterested in her writing. Their marriage seemed good otherwise, so the author came to the conclusion that she’s doing the writing for HER. It makes it all go better, she said.
Trish–Yes! I have a writing friend who says, “Why not just pick one up at the store? It’s barely more than the cost of a coffee at Starbucks.” Which is true! I just can never say something like that. :)
Instead I say (actually, very truthfully), that I’m given a certain number of review copies for free–for book bloggers, newspaper reviewers, radio interviews, and promo (like contests). That seems to be better understood.
Scarlett–Oh, people assume amazing things about our time. I’m writing REALLY quickly, editing REALLY quickly, but still have no time to do all the writing and promo-related things that I need to get done.
You could always lie and say you write freelance. (It’s startling how quickly the urge to lie has come up with me! I’ve done it twice in the comments so far.) That way, though, people have a vague idea of what you’re doing, you get to admit to writing, and they won’t invade your writing time quite as much.
John–No one seems to think that *I’m* cool!! Must be because I’m NOT. :)
Pippa Jay–I’d say that pursuing publication is just as full-time of a job as LOOKING for a job when someone is out of work. Maybe that type of analogy would work. And it’s true–there are the emails, the follow-ups, the “interviews” (pitches)..etc.
Brenda–I say I write “murder mysteries for adults.” Otherwise, the conversation goes on and on….what kind of mysteries–like bank robbery mysteries? Books for kids…like Encyclopedia Brown or Nancy Drew? So it cuts off some of those questions. It’s bizarre, isn’t it, that people would think it’s weird to make things up?! Where do they think their favorite TV episodes come from? Their favorite songs? The movies they plunk down $30 dollars to see? Bleh. I think that’s why I’m so matter of fact about it. I’m saying, “This is NORMAL.”
I am sure you did not mean it to be funny, but you had my chuckling through the entire post. Luckily for her and/ or you, the parent did not call you a liar- she just pretended you did not exist, and you could do the same with her.
I don’t tell anyone I am a writer, because I do not think I have yet reached the stage where I want to. But when I do reveal it, I wonder how I will explain the need to have a pen name.
I pretty much tell anyone within yelling distance that I write and because of that, I had a wonderful conversation this weekend who had been writing memoirs for years. She really admired that I have started so young (she had about 30 years on me) and was delighted that I could share some writing technology with her since most of her writing friends her age are a bit behind the times on that front. I LOVE to talk about writing but it’s hard to find anyone to talk to if no one knows I write. ;)