I’m the Queen of taking on too much. It’s never my idea, mind you, but because I’m known as a volunteer (school, Scouting), people come to me with ideas on more ways for me to volunteer.
They know the school is my soft spot. Just about anything they ask for me to help with at the elementary or middle school, I’m going to do. I’ve read stories, talked to classes, sent in supplies, given parties, assisted with the writing programs, passed out waters during field day, watched the class for the teacher while they attended special events…the list goes on.
I’m also a Brownie Scout leader for my daughter’s troop. I was asked, in person, to take that commitment on. I started with it last fall.
In the middle of the commitment to the troop, I got an extra book deal.
I continued going to mandatory trainings, meetings, camping trips, and troop events.
The upside (and there’s always an upside) is that I was spending a lot of one on one time with my daughter.
The downside was that I really didn’t have the time to do all this. And I hated the district meetings with a passion (I’m not a meeting person. I spend the time wondering if all the information couldn’t just be emailed. Or why they didn’t set up a Yahoo Group for us to get the information.)
I decided I would give the Brownie Scout coordinator (who’d recruited me) a year’s notice. That next fall I wouldn’t be able to continue this commitment.
It didn’t go as planned. :) The coordinator is a very determined woman. She said, “Maybe play it by ear? After all, you’ll have turned in your two books by next fall.”
“But then,” I explained, trying not to sound like a big-shot, “I have another book to turn in. November 1, 2010. And I’ll be promoting three other books.” At this point, I felt like banging my head against a wall.
I’ll admit I’m a black and white kind of person. I like to do a Good Job and there are no compromises. But then the Brownie coordinator gave me an out. She certainly knows me. “No meetings…..you don’t have to go to any of the district meetings. Only attend the events you want to. That’s all I need.”
It ended up that that worked for me. She modified what I needed to do to make it manageable for me.
But I did learn from our exchange:
Non-writers don’t understand the process. They understand the amount of work that goes into writing a book, but they don’t understand the promoting. They don’t understand that you’re either writing a book, revising a book, promoting a book, or trying to sell someone on a new series…or doing all of those things simultaneously.
If you try to explain this process to a non-writer, you sound like you’re exaggerating. Or bragging.
Best just to say the writing is consuming all of your time. They may understand that better than the other stuff you’re doing.
If you’re in a time-sucking commitment, see if the parameters of the commitment can be adjusted before you drop it altogether. It’s a very tough time to find volunteers right now….many former volunteers have had to return to the workforce.
When you’re asked to take on a new commitment (even if they ask you face to face), tell them you have to sleep on it and will email them back. I can write beautifully, but I’m awful on the phone. I can elegantly explain why I can’t take on a new commitment via email where I’d somehow end up taking it on if I’m on the phone with the person.
So far this fall I’ve scaled back on one commitment and avoided another. I’d like to take on a lot of volunteer work, but right now I’m more limited, time-wise, in what I can handle. This is the year I’m more cognizant in realizing when I’m getting in over my head.
I am so with Helen on this one, Elizabeth. People think, (and I include us writers) because we don’t go to an office, we are not really “working” and our time is somehow freer than other peoples’ time. So we have to become good stewards of that precious commodity. Sounds like you are making good headway with that. I’m proud of you.
P.s. Thanks for your comments on my “letting go” blogs.
Blessings,
karen
Interesting problem. I’m learning now that completing a book is one thing, promoting it begins a whole new array of responsibilities, time commitments, travel, etc. It is hard to explain some of that.
But, I admire your commitment to your child’s education and other activities, and your involvement in those activities. It will pay off. My wife got to do that for 19 years, and even after she went back into the work force, has continued in those involvements as best she can (takes time off so she rarely misses anything). The time and energy commitment are worth it to your daughter and will be for you. Good job!
WB
Hi, Elizabeth! I’m like that too, as far as being far better in email than the phone. I hate phones. And I can only imagine how difficult it is to talk about marketing/promoting a book, especially since the level of importance placed on that has only grown recently. Most people find it hard to even understand writing; I mean, isn’t that what you do because you have so much free time? :)
I remember how hard it was to commit to a year of saying, “No, I can’t this time.” I’d been super-volunteer. My son even gave me a coffee mug that says, “If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.”
But I did learn to cut back. One interesting note: I still volunteer for Adult Literacy, and our new tutors have picked up in number, because they’re not working due to cutbacks and now have more time.
Elizabeth – Try being surly and sour, with a touch of grumpiness thrown in. (Oh yeah, let it be know that you’re very difficult to work with — tempermental writers, and all that.) I’ll bet your “invitations” to volunteer will drop off drastically! (Hey, it worked for me!)
I can totally relate to it being easier to say “no” via e-mail than over the phone!
And I can also relate to non-writers not understanding that our work doesn’t end when we’ve finished the book. I’m a first time author about to publish my book (later this month, if all goes according to plan!), and already, my friends are asking whether I’m working on the next one. They are astounded when I tell them how much time I currently spend on promoting and marketing this book even before publication, and it’s only going to get busier once my book is out. Most non-writers seem to think this works along the “Field of Dreams” theory of “if you write it, they will buy it.” If only it were so.
There may even be people who think writing is not real work. My husband and I was sometimes met by that attitude when we studied and certain relatives did not understand why we couldn´t look after our children ourselves as we were ´only reading´.
The problem may be worse if you come from a non-academic background, but I really think it is easier for the carpenter to show that he has put in some hours´ work than for the writer.
Hi, my name is Sharon and I am a chronic-yes-sayer!
See, you could start a 12-step program right here! lol! If you can squeeze that in, I’d appreciate it!
(Just teasing!)
Be there, done that, and really don’t want the t-shirt! Hang tough, sister! Sometimes you have to be mean!
You wrote: “many former volunteers have had to return to the workforce.” When I read that, I thought, Elizabeth, you are a big time volunteer who IS in the workforce. Writing, promoting, all of that is your work. When you have to turn down volunteer opportunities, you should not feel guilty. As it is, you have three full-time jobs: your writing, your volunteering and your family. No one can do three full time jobs and stay sane and healthy.
Helen
Straight From Hel
I did all of that volunteering stuff too, as my kids were growing up. I sacrificed writing to do it all, and shouldn’t have. Now I’m an empty nester, middle aged, and just getting started, with oh so much to learn. I don’t regret the giving of my time at all. I just wish I’d have made time to write much more, and take it more seriously back then.
I can SO relate. I’m a chronic “yes sayer” when it comes to being asked if I can commit to this and that and also the other. Problem is ya gotta realize your limits or you have so much going on you can’t get ANYTHING done with the focus and quality it deserves.
Still learning and working on this one,
Marvin D Wilson
Helen–This is a point I should have brought up in my post. You’re absolutely right–volunteer recruiters know I’m at home and they don’t understand what I’m doing here. My good friends, bless them, call me on the phone and always ask, “Are you working right now?” before launching into a conversation with me.
Karen–Thanks! It’s really hard for me, but then I see how frazzled I get when I have too many things to juggle. It’s not fair to my family when I’m really pressed for time. And thanks so much for your comments on *my* blog. :)
Warren–The school is my top volunteer priority. It’s important to me for the kids to see the value I place on their education. The other commitments…they’re definitely secondary. Your wife sounds like a really caring volunteer–they’re fortunate to have her.
Marvin–Me too. It’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve started working on protecting my time.
Kristen–You are so right. I’ve got a phone interview next week and I’m sweating bullets over it. I don’t do well on the phone. And as far as talking to non-writers…any time I mention ‘revision’ they ask, “Don’t your editors do that?” I try to explain they would fire me if their copy editors had to spend too many billable hours on my manuscript alone. Sigh. It’s better to just say I’m writing and leave it at that.
Elizabeth–You are so right about “sleeping on it” when asked to volunteer for a new commitment. I do that with new freelance jobs as well. That said, I found myself in a bad place last spring when acting as a class parent for my son’s first-grade class. I was so overwhelmed with teaching and writing that steam was practically coming out of my ears when I couldn’t get any other parent to volunteer for anything. I knew it was time to disentangle myself.
Now our school year is about to start again, and I won’t be a class parent, but I’ll be doing other volunteer activities, and I’m trying for a firmer attitude. Hah.
With non-writers, I’ve found that “I have a big article deadline” usually does the trick.
(P.S. We’ve updated the Taking Writing blogroll and your blog is now on it. Thanks for adding TW to yours.)
Hi Elizabeth – if you want something done ask a busy person. I’ve learned something from MEN. Huge generalization coming up – warning warning – Usually, the men I’ve known, when asked to do something just say no without all the reasons and excuses. This seems to work quite well. I have tried it.
phone rings; me: hello
other: Hi Jan, we’re in big trouble down at the theatre and need someone to do the publicity for the next show. It won’t be too much – just the programme ads and the psa’s and the releases and setting up the interviews. Nothing someone as brilliant as you can’t do in your sleep.
me: No, I’m sorry but I can’t do it. Thanks for thinking of me.
them: But…
me: I can’t do it.
them: oh, but…we thought.
me: I can’t do it.
them: OK – can you think of anyone?
me: Elizabeth’s book is finished, she must be free!
You nailed that one! Sometimes when people ask what I’ve been doing lately, I hestiate, because it always revolves around several of the aspects you listed. (And sounds like I have no life!)
I am fortunate in that while we were foster parents for a while, we have no children – thus school committments don’t come into play. Of course, we do A LOT at our church, so that probably takes its place.
And my husband keeps saying he’s going to write a book – “When Christians Can’t Say No!”
L. Diane Wolfe “Spunk On A Stick”
http://www.circleoffriendsbooks.blogspot.com
I finally learned to say ‘no’ a few years ago after feeling like I was being pulled simultaneously in fifteen directions. My stumbling block now is placing my writing as a higher priority instead of after the laundry, the picking up, the cooking, etc. etc. etc.
Elspeth
Terry–You’ve raised an interesting point re the flux of volunteering. I’ve noticed an upswing in volunteers following rounds of bank layoffs here in Charlotte. But then, looking for a job becomes a full-time job and they are forced to cut back.
Alan–If you see me at a meeting, you’d realize I exhibit all those traits! I don’t know what my problem is with meetings. I absolutely cannot keep myself from asking (at some point during the gathering),”Can y’all email this out? I’ve got to run.” It’s like I’m agoraphobic but it’s only evident during meetings.
Jane–Ha! Not good to have a murder mystery writer after you! Have I mentioned all the research I’ve done on poisons? But seriously, good point on the man-thing. My husband just says no. He tells me to just say no. It’s very hard for me. Sometimes I’ll say, “My husband won’t let me take on anything else.” :) Now half the town must think my poor hubby is a raving control freak.
Ingrid–I always say, “Yes, I am!” That way they’ll know that I’m working (even if I’m not working on what they think I’m working on!)
Diane–That would be a great book. I’ve carefully kept myself out of the church commitments, but it does bother me not to help out there. Fortunately, our church seems to have many devoted volunteers. A good thing!
Dorte–They do think that. I got that more when my daughter was in preschool. People were amazed that I enrolled her in preschool while I wrote. Especially among non-academics. Good point.
Sharon–You’re so right! I think writers and readers get picked on a lot because we’re around the house. So many people are identifying with this, I see.
I’m gonna start getting tougher! Maybe. Well, we’ll see…
Julee–Writing is one of those wonderful activities that can be picked up at any time. And you’re absolutely right: I’ve learned that if I don’t treat my writing time with respect, no one else does, either.
Elizabeth-I’ve always ‘worked’ full time and so have never had any daytime flexibility, but I HAVE been on that Girl Scouts wagon and I COMPLETELY sympathize with the meeting issue. I only agreed to help because a friend of mine was coleader–the OTHER coleader left, and she told me confidentially she could only keep doing it if someone she enjoyed took the co-spot. I did it for two years and loved it, but am also glad that part of my life is now over.
I think Terry’s idea–of taking a year of saying No, is a great one–people will no longer take for granted that you are available and you can take on what you WANT to, rather than always being the Go-to mom.
Martha—Oh the GUILT! I was personally asked by 2 people to be my 3rd grader’s room mom. I’m *always* room mom. Every year….since 2002. But this year–sigh. I told them that I couldn’t have my name listed as room mom (which would make me feel ultra-frantic) but I’d be there for all the parties, etc. I just couldn’t *plan* the parties.
And…you’re so welcome! :)
Elspeth–Oh, I’m a slave to the laundry buzzer. That’s why I so frequently take my laptop off to the library. No buzzers there.
Hart–I can not even imagine working at a day job and doing GS and writing. Someone would have to put me out of my misery. My co-leader is great…actually, she’s much, much better than I am because she doesn’t mind meetings.
I totally rejected Cookie Mom duty because I can’t add. Or subtract. Or sell things. Or…
A year of saying no is what I need. Difficult, though. And then…what if I didn’t use that extra time to write? I might feel worse about it then. Hmm.
Good luck! Balancing is the trick, I jjst wish I did not feel guilty when I say no. The real trick is sang no to myself – when I bring on the diversions that distract me from my work. Ah, me.
Thanks, Ellouise! And you’re right– we do it to ourselves, too. If I could get just 5 hours added to each day, I could help at the school as much as I liked!