My daughter and I went to a Halloween party on Saturday night. Well, it was both a Halloween party and a premiere…the dad of my daughter’s friend had an official premiere of his band.
He’s an interesting guy—he has a huge record collection (vinyls— in floor to ceiling shelves), and just lives for music.
During the day he has a day job selling chemicals. The music really keeps him going.
His wife is a middle school assistant principal and is very matter-of-fact and serious.
I walked up to his wife at the party and raved over their house. It was full of antique music players and old radios and stereos—and books! Books everywhere. He also had a music room for all the LPs and his huge collection of 60s and 70s kitsch and toys that were on a shelf that ran along the ceiling. There were collections of different objects in different rooms. I pulled out my phone and started taking pictures. I was very impressed.
His wife said, “I get so overwhelmed in that room! I’m there for a few minutes and it drives me a little crazy so I have to go to a quieter room.” She paused for a few minutes and said, “Really, I’m kind of boring, compared to my husband.”
I said, “But I think if there were two people who were that creative in the same place, then they’d end up wanting to kill each other. Opposites work better.” I was thinking about my own daydreaminess and the way I’m easily distracted—and my husband who is nothing if not grounded. He’s very set in the here-and-now and helps rein me in from some of my flights of fancy. It works out well.
On the other hand, I do personally know a couple of husband and wife writing teams. And they work together really, really well. Although—I think they still have personalities that are very different from each other. Maybe that’s the aspect that makes it work.
I think back to all the creative unions in the past that didn’t go so well—the Sylvia Plaths and Ted Hughes of the world, or the Liz Taylors and Richard Burtons. Now there were other problems at work in those relationships, too, of course.
So I thought I’d take a little informal poll among those who’d like to participate. How many of you creative types are married to fellow artists? And how is that working for you? Or are you married to a non-creative? If you are, do they “get” what you’re doing? If they don’t “get” it, do they at least respect your reasons for writing?
My wife and I are polar opposites in many respects. She hasn’t even read my book. She has no desire to, although she supports me and give me encouragement. She would rather read self help and books from Christian authors than fiction action wormhole stuff. I just can’t imagine why.
Elizabeth – Really interesting poll. My husband and I are both creative, although we have different personalities. For us, it works well because we’re creative, you might say, about different things. He has artistic and visual skill; I draw stick figures. I’m the music person in the family; he plays the stereo. But we both have imaginations, and he’s often very helpful to meas I’m writing. He’s a good sounding-board for my ideas.
I love to read, but my DH doesn’t. Now he enjoys magazines that deal with his work and anything dealing with horse (training, medicine, etc.) But he does understand my love of reading and just kids me about it from time to time.
Mason
Thoughts in Progress
Oh, Elizabeth, great question. I am married to a non-creative, at least he’s not creative in any way that I am. He has not read my book, nor will he. But he is the most supportive person I have ever known. All he wants is for me to be happy. But he’s a computer programmer, so he’s creative in that sense. We work well as a team.
karen
I’d say we were both creatives – but in different fields, which means we can understand what the other feels without actually being engaged in bitter professional rivalry. I would hate to be married to another writer. My OH has written a book, but it was about software and he did not enjoy the process at all and is not anxious to repeat it.
I’m a writer and my other half is a cartoonist. He takes an interest in my fiction, and I take an interest in his comic. We get to bounce ideas off each other, but I think it works because we’re creative but the end product is different – comics and fiction require a different kind of storytelling. If we were both fiction writers, I’d imagine there might be rivalry or competition, but as it is, we can encourage and support one another – and the best part is that we understand the creative process so we can give each other that time and space needed to do some work.
My husband and I both are creatives and it works very well for us. Honestly, I can’t imagine being with someone who wasn’t creative. I know a lot of people who aren’t and it seems they have a hard time understanding why working a “notmal” job is so hard for me. Thank goodness for support at home :)
Cheers!
Jen
(Oh!! I know this is a bit past due, but I picked up the Writer’s Digest “Get your book published” issue and saw your blog mentioned as one of the top blogs for mystery writers. Congratulations!!)
We’re both creative, just in different venues. Guess thta’s good – we compliment each other.
And she has at least read my book!
I’ve been married to Hubster for 41 years. He’s a scientist. He says he’s impressed that I can “write this stuff” but aside from being able to brainstorm with him (he always finds the technical holes in my ideas), we could never collaborate on a book beyond basic plot points here and there.
Terry
Terry’s Place
Romance with a Twist–of Mystery
My husband doesn’t like to read. He isn’t creative, though I suspect that he just wasn’t encouraged to be creative as a child. Many years ago, before I discovered critique groups and other writer support groups, I tried to read a chapter to him that I had written. Half way through there was this odd noise coming from his corner. He’d fallen asleep and was snoring.
Nancy
N. R. Williams, fantasy author
P.S. I gave you a blog award today. Come by and snag it.
Nancy
N. R. Williams, fantasy author
I’m with someone who was a professional actor for many years. Are we similar? Oh yes. Is it a quiet life? Oh no.
Great post-very insightful. Are you sure it’s not the chemicals keeping the guy going?
Anyway, I’ve also met just a couple of writing couples. I’ve seen varying levels of success with this arrangement. My wife has helped me with a story before, providing ideas for basic plots lines. I’m still working on the story. But we fall into the same situation expressed by Stephen Tremp. We have vastly different ideas, likes, and dislikes about what we like to read. Also, my wife does not like to write and does not understand how someone could enjoy writing. I find that weird since she likes to read so much-and she’s a school teacher.
Oh well, to each their own. I’m just glad she respects my desires and allows me to talk to her about writing, although I’m not sure she’s always listening.
I’m married to a professional geek (his words), and I’ve run into a lot of creative folks married to techy folks. We’re both creative, but in very different mediums.
My husband and I are opposites. No, he doesn’t get what I’m doing. I don’t think he even respects my reasons for doing it. But he loves me the way I love him, totally and completely, and he lives with it. He finally accepts that he can’t stop me so he’s tolerant.
My husband and I are polar opposites! He is every thing I’m not- organized, observant, punctual, and the list goes on.
He truly complements me:)
My cat is very creative. (You should see what he can do with milk rings and twist-ties!)
But we still get along quite well, even though he often wants to collaborate at 6am on such projects as rearranging lamps and knocking books on the floor.
Like Terry, my siggy is a research scientist — great for brainstorming and catching all the logical holes and implausibilities I come up with. He’s hugely supportive and knew writing was what I wanted to do before I even had the guts to say it outloud. He’s my first reader on most things, and I know that some people frown at that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Stephen–I think that support comes in different forms. My husband doesn’t eagerly wait for the next Myrtle Clover or the next Memphis BBQ to read. *Anybody* can read our books…it takes someone special to encourage us to write, or cook supper so we can write, or clean up the kitchen so we can write. It takes someone special to put up with writerly moods (I’m moody…don’t know if y’all are. But moodiness happens!)
Fictionwitch–I have to admit that I wouldn’t want to be married to another writer, either. It would just be…well, I just can’t imagine it! Only if we were co-writers…no. Even then I couldn’t imagine it! I like creative control too much. :)
Icy–Good point! And that might explain (in part) why the creative examples I came up with didn’t work out–Plath and Hughes were both poets and Taylor and Burton both actors. So your other half is supportive and understanding, but there’s no rivalry as far as audience is concerned.
Alex–Complementary creativity sounds like a great fit.
Margot–It sounds like a great fit. So he’s appreciative of what you do, and vice versa, but you’re creative in different ways and with different media.
N. R.–Ha! Oh, that’s too funny! I guess we should expect that just because we wrote something doesn’t mean that it’s fascinating to our spouses…especially if they don’t read the genre we write!
N. R.–Thanks so much for the award!
Mason–My hubby and I have TOTALLY different interests in reading. And I like to read for longer periods of time than he does, too. We have different hobbies, but it does seem to work.
J.L.–Wouldn’t it be funny if selling chemicals WAS his real love? :) It would mess my whole post up.
I used to think it was weird when booklovers weren’t interested in the writing side of things–but then I’ve run across so many that AREN’T, that I think I’ve gotten used to it. When I have to talk on a writing panel and the room is full of librarians and readers, I’ll tailor my talk to them instead of giving a talk about writing. They like hearing about the writing LIFE, but not the actual writing. I came to realize, though, that I do enjoy watching movies…but I’m not interested in the process of directing or producing movies…I’m only interested in the end-product. Maybe that’s the way some readers are, too.
I think sometimes they want to APPEAR interested, but the technical part of writing isn’t actually very interesting to non-writers. :) At least…that’s what I’ve gathered sometimes when I’ve launched into technical discussions. But then, I’m not very interested in the computer servers that my husband talks about, either!
Janice–I’m one of the creative people married to a techy, too. Too funny! I’m really seeing a trend here.
Susan–I think there’s a certain acceptance that comes when they realize the writing isn’t going away. :) It’s just that they can’t totally understand why it’s so important to us.
Karen–That’s the important thing! That they want us to be happy. :) And that’s another computer-related job for a spouse…my husband is in computers, too.
Jen–I think you make a good point about the understanding part of it. I’ve heard lots of writers say that their significant other doesn’t understand the writing or the motivation behind it–and some that seem jealous of the amount of time that writing takes. Being married to another creative person would definitely solve that problem.
Thanks so much, Jen! I appreciate that. I was really surprised and pleased with the award. :)
Terry–Ha! Same with me. There’s no way I could collaborate with my husband on a book. Besides, he’d write a technical book and I’d have no idea what any of it meant. :)
Bluestocking–I’m seeing a big trend here with creative people marrying scientists and computer scientists! Interesting! Maybe the logical thinking is appealing to the abstract thinker?
That’s a really good question. My husband is not that creative and I think that’s why we get along. I come up with really great solutions to problems and I think that if my husband was also capable of doing it, we’d always be fighting over ways to solve issues. Either that, or I’d keep my mouth shut and begin to resent him.
CD
My husband and I work together well as scientific writers. When I branched into fiction, there was a stunned silence and then… he started writing a book. I think it will be fine. We both like our own space but by doing the same thing, we can talk about our work with understanding. I quite like it.
My husband is very supportive, but he would never think of writing a novel or taking a class in watercolor. He’s geekie, plays bridge, and is fine-tuning his Morse code skills for ham radio.
It’s better this way. We could never write a book together. It’s traumatic enough just getting our taxes done.
Elspeth–Oh, well, quiet is overrated, right? :)
Clarissa–Good point! Causes a lot less friction that way, doesn’t it?
Martha–I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when you told him you were going to become a novelist! Ha! Glad it works out so well.
Tamika–That’s amazing! And you were smart to find someone who has qualities that you don’t–I think I’ve done the same. :)
The Daring Novelist–Do we have the same cat? :) Mine bats twist ties all over the house! I can’t imagine what’s fun about that, but he loves it. Sounds like it’s a good collaboration for you. :)
My husband is about as far from creative as you can get–he’s a mechanic. He doesn’t “get” me at all. I’m SO emotional! Lol! But he loves me and respects how much I love writing. He’s incredibly supportive about it all and I love that I can at least tell him my ideas and he can tell me if they’re totally ridiculous. Then, if a mechanical type “approves” of the idea, I’ll know it will appeal to many types of audiences. I think in some ways, it’s the best case scenario!
I’m a writer and photographer and my husband is an artist, so we’re both very creative.
Mallory–So he’s sort of the steadying force, it sounds like! And he’s a good sounding board, too. That’s a nice combination!
Patricia–Another supportive geek! By far this is the most popular profession for writers’ spouses.
Oh, you’ve cracked me up with the taxes comment! Ha!
Diane–Sounds like it’s a match made in heaven for y’all!