by Don McNair, @DonMcNair1
You
have two choices. Write in the “here and now” or dump information. I’ll
tell you right now that editors and agents want you to write in the “here
and now.”
have two choices. Write in the “here and now” or dump information. I’ll
tell you right now that editors and agents want you to write in the “here
and now.”
Unpublished
writers often present information dumps in their first chapters. How do you
recognize one? Generally, your characters don’t do, they think.
They think as they drive a car. As they sit in their office. As they ride an
elevator. Nothing of interest happens in real time. If your critique partner
tells you your story actually starts on page seven, she’s saying that the first
six pages are an information dump. Those six pages generally include
information you think the reader needs to understand your characters.
writers often present information dumps in their first chapters. How do you
recognize one? Generally, your characters don’t do, they think.
They think as they drive a car. As they sit in their office. As they ride an
elevator. Nothing of interest happens in real time. If your critique partner
tells you your story actually starts on page seven, she’s saying that the first
six pages are an information dump. Those six pages generally include
information you think the reader needs to understand your characters.
Your
novel would be much more interesting if you showed instead of told.
In fact, editors who read past your manuscript’s first paragraph stop reading
when they see this problem. Unfortunately, many writers hearing the
“show-don’t-tell” advice don’t really understand what it means.
novel would be much more interesting if you showed instead of told.
In fact, editors who read past your manuscript’s first paragraph stop reading
when they see this problem. Unfortunately, many writers hearing the
“show-don’t-tell” advice don’t really understand what it means.
Use narrative summaries sparingly
When
writers tell instead of show, they’re generally writing from the author’s
POV and not the characters’. While the technique called “narrative
summary” does have its place in a novel, it should be used sparingly.
writers tell instead of show, they’re generally writing from the author’s
POV and not the characters’. While the technique called “narrative
summary” does have its place in a novel, it should be used sparingly.
Here’s
a before-and-after example. The first version, written in the author’s POV, is
a narrative summary:
a before-and-after example. The first version, written in the author’s POV, is
a narrative summary:
But the site itself had been inhabited for much longer. The
previous day she and Mike had jogged along an old path which edged the Knob,
and she spotted the stark, vertical rock chimney of a burned-out cabin. It
jutted from a weathered rock foundation that was now covered with thick vines
and forest debris. The cabin had been built near the Knob’s edge, which
plummeted almost two thousand feet to the valley floor. She realized
that, when the one-room cabin was built, its owner had probably cleared trees
away to open the valley up for a spectacular view.
previous day she and Mike had jogged along an old path which edged the Knob,
and she spotted the stark, vertical rock chimney of a burned-out cabin. It
jutted from a weathered rock foundation that was now covered with thick vines
and forest debris. The cabin had been built near the Knob’s edge, which
plummeted almost two thousand feet to the valley floor. She realized
that, when the one-room cabin was built, its owner had probably cleared trees
away to open the valley up for a spectacular view.
Notice
the author is telling about the discovery, just as one tells ghost stories
around a family campfire. He is summarizing what happened yesterday. There is
no action. There was action yesterday, but that doesn’t count as action today.
the author is telling about the discovery, just as one tells ghost stories
around a family campfire. He is summarizing what happened yesterday. There is
no action. There was action yesterday, but that doesn’t count as action today.
I
wrote that passage years ago. I thought it was fine writing until an old
writing pro pointed out the problem. I read it again, and—by gosh, she was
right. Following is the passage as I rewrote it to put the scene into a
character’s POV and show the action, instead of leaving it in the
author’s POV and tell about it:
wrote that passage years ago. I thought it was fine writing until an old
writing pro pointed out the problem. I read it again, and—by gosh, she was
right. Following is the passage as I rewrote it to put the scene into a
character’s POV and show the action, instead of leaving it in the
author’s POV and tell about it:
Mike stepped aside and she saw a clearing. Grass, kept at
bay in the deep woods they’d passed through, covered an area the size of an
average yard.
bay in the deep woods they’d passed through, covered an area the size of an
average yard.
She frowned. “This is it?”
“Yep. The original cabin site. See if you can find
it.”
it.”
She saw nothing but the woods and grass. Blue sky appeared
over a huge, waist-high stone outcropping at her left. She stepped to it and
peered over.
over a huge, waist-high stone outcropping at her left. She stepped to it and
peered over.
“Why, we’re right at the bluff’s edge!”
“That’s right. Jump off that rock, and you’ll fall
almost two thousand feet.”
almost two thousand feet.”
And then she saw the vertical stone chimney. She’d
overlooked it before, since it resembled the surrounding tall trees. She walked
tentatively toward it. As her eyes adjusted she saw the stone foundation of a
long-gone, one-room cabin. Its chimney rose from one corner, its hearth opening
toward the center. Slanting rays filtering through the treetops brought the
chimney and foundation to life.
overlooked it before, since it resembled the surrounding tall trees. She walked
tentatively toward it. As her eyes adjusted she saw the stone foundation of a
long-gone, one-room cabin. Its chimney rose from one corner, its hearth opening
toward the center. Slanting rays filtering through the treetops brought the
chimney and foundation to life.
She turned to Mike. “Look at that – it’s just like a
shrine. Why, I feel like I’ve just stepped out of a time machine.”
shrine. Why, I feel like I’ve just stepped out of a time machine.”
The
lesson? Write in real time. Don’t tell what happened in the past, but show
it as part of the action now.
lesson? Write in real time. Don’t tell what happened in the past, but show
it as part of the action now.
Bad, better, and best
As
you write fiction, think of the information you present as being at one of
three levels: Bad, better, and best. Then upgrade that information as best you
can.
you write fiction, think of the information you present as being at one of
three levels: Bad, better, and best. Then upgrade that information as best you
can.
The
“bad” level has information told from the author’s POV, as in the
first example above. The revealed events happened in the past. There is no
action today. There is little or no dialogue. Here’s an example:
“bad” level has information told from the author’s POV, as in the
first example above. The revealed events happened in the past. There is no
action today. There is little or no dialogue. Here’s an example:
After she ate her sandwich, Mary left the dance without
answering Brad’s questions about the Pekingese.
answering Brad’s questions about the Pekingese.
See?
No action, no dialogue. The author is telling us about something that happened
in to someone else. A scene or chapter written at this level could have a bored
editor flinging a submitted manuscript across the room.
No action, no dialogue. The author is telling us about something that happened
in to someone else. A scene or chapter written at this level could have a bored
editor flinging a submitted manuscript across the room.
The
“better” information level—and it’s not really much better—at least
presents thoughts from the POV of a live human being. Here’s an example:
“better” information level—and it’s not really much better—at least
presents thoughts from the POV of a live human being. Here’s an example:
Jane started her Mazda and pulled into the traffic. That
Mary, she thought with disgust. She ate her sandwich and simply left the dance.
She should have at least answered Brad’s questions about the Pekingese.
Mary, she thought with disgust. She ate her sandwich and simply left the dance.
She should have at least answered Brad’s questions about the Pekingese.
Here
at least we have human involvement. Although the information Jane’s thinking is
still dead and has no action, we do see Jane. In small, well-placed doses,
using such internal dialogue is an acceptable way to pass information.
Unfortunately, some authors use this approach for pages and pages, and the only
live action we have is the heroine doing the equivalent of driving that
car. It’s easy to see why so many manuscripts are rejected.
at least we have human involvement. Although the information Jane’s thinking is
still dead and has no action, we do see Jane. In small, well-placed doses,
using such internal dialogue is an acceptable way to pass information.
Unfortunately, some authors use this approach for pages and pages, and the only
live action we have is the heroine doing the equivalent of driving that
car. It’s easy to see why so many manuscripts are rejected.
Okay,
we’ve discussed the “bad” and the (not much) “better” ways
to present information. Let’s look at the “best.”
we’ve discussed the “bad” and the (not much) “better” ways
to present information. Let’s look at the “best.”
When
you start a new book, there’s certain information you want to reveal. Rather
than have the author tell us about it or have a character think about it, have
the heroine confide the information to a sidekick in real time, perhaps like
this:
you start a new book, there’s certain information you want to reveal. Rather
than have the author tell us about it or have a character think about it, have
the heroine confide the information to a sidekick in real time, perhaps like
this:
Jane sat her Margarita on the bar and turned to Amy, who
stared at her pocket mirror as she adjusted her hair. “Did you see
that?”
stared at her pocket mirror as she adjusted her hair. “Did you see
that?”
Amy looked up. “See what?”
“Mary. She just ate her sandwich and left.”
Amy glanced at the lit ballroom exit, past entwined couples
dancing cheek to cheek on the dimly-lit dance floor. “Wow. Well, did she
answer Brad’s questions about the Pekinese before she left?”
dancing cheek to cheek on the dimly-lit dance floor. “Wow. Well, did she
answer Brad’s questions about the Pekinese before she left?”
“I don’t think so . . .”
Jane frowned and retrieved her drink. She brought it to her
lips and tasted the bitter salt, looked about, and paused. Standing by a small
table with its flickering candle was Brad, staring at the entrance.
lips and tasted the bitter salt, looked about, and paused. Standing by a small
table with its flickering candle was Brad, staring at the entrance.
“She should have, you know?” Jane sipped again,
and set her drink down.
and set her drink down.
“After all, Brad was kind enough to have the
Pekingese fixed.”
Pekingese fixed.”
I’ll
admit I got carried away with that last example, but I did so with purpose.
Didn’t you feel like you were there, watching this scene play out? Didn’t you
catch the action—Alice primping, Jane sipping and tasting, dancers dancing, and
perhaps even Brad staring? Didn’t you believe this is happening now and that
you are on hand to watch the scene unfold? This give-and-take is important. It
keeps the reader engaged. If you write in this mode she’ll continue to read
your novel.
admit I got carried away with that last example, but I did so with purpose.
Didn’t you feel like you were there, watching this scene play out? Didn’t you
catch the action—Alice primping, Jane sipping and tasting, dancers dancing, and
perhaps even Brad staring? Didn’t you believe this is happening now and that
you are on hand to watch the scene unfold? This give-and-take is important. It
keeps the reader engaged. If you write in this mode she’ll continue to read
your novel.
Don
McNair, an editor and writer for more than forty years, has written six novels
and four non-fiction books. His latest,
titled “Editor-Proof Your Writing: 21 Steps to the Clear Prose Publishers and
Agents Crave (Quill Driver Books),” helps writers self-edit their work. Learn more at his website, http://DonMcNair.com .
McNair, an editor and writer for more than forty years, has written six novels
and four non-fiction books. His latest,
titled “Editor-Proof Your Writing: 21 Steps to the Clear Prose Publishers and
Agents Crave (Quill Driver Books),” helps writers self-edit their work. Learn more at his website, http://DonMcNair.com .
Elizabeth – Thanks for hosting Don.
Don – Thanks very much for your advice about how to draw readers in instead of ‘Information Dumping.’ There’s a very tricky balance I think between giving readers enough information to ‘place’ them and introduce the characters, while at the same time not ‘dumping.’ Thanks for your perspective on it.
Don, great advice. I need to pound this in my brain.
Hi, Elizabeth!!!
It really helps to show examples because it’s a difficult concept to grasp otherwise.
Don–Tricky subject, which you’ve handled well. Thanks for coming by. :)
I actually enjoyed that first narrative summary about the cabin. It has a very different feel from the here-and-now version and slightly different details. I’d actually be more inclined to keep reading based on the narrative summary than the action, but that’s my personal taste. The second one sounds rather creepy, not something I enjoy all that often. Which if that’s the intent, then using the action certainly gets that across well, but the narrative one has more of a historical curiosity vibe about it, which appeals to me a lot.
But I do see the point you’re trying to make. I have a tendency to write lots of narrative summary sections at first. The hard part is determining which are worth keeping for the voice, which need to be opened up into active scenes, and which need chopped completely.
Thanks, Don. This is what my writing partner has been trying to get through to me. I think you explained it better than she’s been able to. I understand show vs. tell just enough to get to “better.” Time to work on “best.”
Learning to engage all of the senses really helped me. Jessica Bell’s book also had some good examples.
Don McNair here. First, thanks for hosting me. Second, I feel good about the reader responses. Jaleh, I appreciated your comments. I guess knowing when to use what is the biggest hurdle in this writing biz.
Excellent post!
It’s amazing how a few words like “see”, “hear”, “felt”, “thought” etc. just turn any passage into a lot of show.
:-)
Excellent post. Your examples really made me see how I could make your suggestions work in my own writing. Thanks.
The examples are most helpful.
Sigh.
Off to go fix more and more stuff.
Thanks, y’all.
I agree that too much narrative (or information dumps through a character “preaching” in dialogue) can be deadly. But I think a mix of showing and what Elizabeth Lyon calls “telling well” works and keeps showing from becoming too detailed and getting away from the author.
Great tips, Don! I have a habit of information dumping in the thoughts of the character between dialogue rather than narrative form, but it can be just a bad.
This was more helpful than any other explanation for the show versus tell thing, a matter I struggle with.
Thanks.
Now I will go to his site and see what he has to say about POV.