Well, school started back this past week here in North Carolina. I have to admit in many ways I was glad. Don’t get me wrong—I love my children and love spending time with them. But it’s the guilt. Oh good Lord—the guilt!
Moms and dads usually feel guilty no matter what. I think we all firmly believe that our kids will be in therapy years from now talking about us. And we can’t avoid guiltt—if we spend too much time with our kids, they’re not developing meaningful relationships with their peers. If we don’t spend enough time with them, then they look at us with their little doe eyes.
Usually, the children’s summer revolves completely around them. Actually, our whole lives usually revolve around the kids. But this summer was a different. Mama had a book to write and one to promote.
Some of you might be writing with preschoolers or babies at home, so this advice will apply to you all the time. I was right there with you a few years back.
Writing with children:
Go on an outing—the kids and your manuscript. If your kids are older, the park, skating rink, bowling alley, swimming pool, etc, work out well. If they’re younger, try one of those indoor playgrounds with inflatables.
Bring a friend for your child. Or more than one. They’re much happier if they are on outings with a friend or two. And they’re more inclined to let you get some work done.
Plan some dedicated time with your child to play one on one. This time can be either before or after the time that you need to get some work done. Here’s the deal with this time: you need to be completely focused on your child. No thinking about anything else. You play Monopoly, read a few books, whatever they want to do with you—and then you explain you are going to spend X amount of time writing.
Quiet time works for everyone. Even my older child (12) needs time to unwind in the afternoon. My kids unplugged for a while with a book or played quietly in their room while I worked on my laptop. When I had a toddler, I’d put her in her room and give her books. The rule was that even if they couldn’t sleep, they had to “read” (look at pictures.)
Host playdates. I know—this sounds like more trouble than help. But usually (this depends on your kid and the kids you invite over), my children disappear to hang out with their friends. It’s the perfect time to write.
I did end up feeling guilty still—of course. But I managed to balance family and writing pretty well over the summer. And I developed some survival skills that will serve me well next summer (when I’m working on my November 1 2010 deadline.)
I used to send my kids to their beds every night telling them it wasn’t really ‘bedtime’, but they could read in bed. (After we read to them, of course.) It helped end the day earlier for us, and gave them a nice way to settle down.
This is great advice! I’m sure it’s really difficult to find time to write (and no distractions) when you’re a parent. Great post!
My parenting days are long gone and over with, but I certainly relate to and appreciate this post. I think you have a good balance and grip on the sitch. And drop the guilt – for god’s sake – you’re not a Jewish Mother are you? LOL
Marvin D Wilson
Not sure Lutheran mothers are better ;)
I had my children very early, and I think somehow that helped. I was so young that I just took many things for granted.
My husband figured out a useful method when we were both studying with three small children: whenever they come, pick them up on your lap, speak with them or cuddle them (depending on age) until they grow tired of all this attention. Quite often, five minutes will do. They run off, and you have an hour or two in peace.
OH, and now I forgot to tell you I had an award for your blog. But that is just because your posts are so interesting.
It always feels like the beginning of a new year when school starts! I love you, kids – but now go away! (lol!)
Very nice blog!
Sharon
Oh, Marvin–the guilt NEVER goes away, even for us Presbyterian mommies!
The guilt! Oh, the guilt! I swear when you first hold that little baby you’re so amazed that you fail to notice the simultaneous arrival of the guilt monster. I’m impressed on how you have managed to juggle being mommy and being a writer. It does get easier as they get older, but the refrain of “I’m bored” never seems to go away!
Lovely post, Elizabeth. From one mother with kids at home to another, well, well done!
Elspeth
Luckily my local library has a reading program every summer. When the chaos gets bad all I have to do is tell them to go get some reading done for their book logs. It’s 20 quiet minutes at the least, more if they get interested in something and keep going!
Terry–Reading in bed is the best! Except for me lately…I start getting too sleepy.
For the definition of woman there are the words “she who carries guilt.” Unfortunately, we carry it well into our kids’ adulthoods, even if they turn out to be great adults.
You’ve done a super thing here, offering ways to survive the summertime and still get work done — and, best of all, lessen the guilt.
Helen
Straight From Hel
Would you laugh if I told you the basic premise behind your suggestions works really well for pets too? LOL!
And kids go back to school way to early here! In Oregon, kids don’t go back until the day after Labor Day. (Which is also the last day of the State Fair.)
L. Diane Wolfe “Spunk On A Stick”
http://www.circleoffriendsbooks.blogspot.com
Helen–I’m hoping that at some point I’ll be divested of the guilt. But then I guess it’ll be time for grandmother guilt.
Kristen–It surely can be. I guess we just have to make our own time.
Dorte–Yes, I wasn’t so young. 26 for the first and 30 for the second. You have a good idea, though. Of course, my daughter WILL stay and visit with me. That’s delightful sometimes, of course. And at others…well…
Thanks for my award–cool!
Sharon–Yes, that’s exactly how it is! That’s why we end up feeling so guilty, I think.
Elspeth–You’re so right! I guess that’s why they’re born so cute…so we don’t notice the complex being put upon us.
Diane–It does start early in NC (Aug 25, y’all.) I don’t know if ANYTHING works for cats, though. Mine seem determined to step on my laptop keyboard.
Janel–Ours too! Isn’t that a great program? My daughter is delighted to read for stickers or ice cream cones. And I’m so glad for quiet time.
Well, I don’t have kids…any more. They started getting in the way of my writing, so I had to put them up on eBay. I’m kidding, of course! No need to call the authorities.
But good tips! And if I have more kids, I’ll try them all. ;0)
Too funny, Jack! In my house, I think it’s turned around—my kids want to put ME on eBay. :)
I am a huge fan of quiet time! And also glad that school has started again for my oldest one. We do so much better when we have a break from each other.
Great tips. I have four children under 9 and am only just now getting my Head above Water (and blogging about that) and being able to write more consistently. I still have the 22mth at home so I have to be resourceful in occupying him when I write. I had my first child at 30 so am heading for another significant birthday and feel I need to make up time. I had a breakthrough lately and had a story shortlisted for an award so perhaps my writing life is now taking off in the midst of motherhood mayhem. Thanks for the great post.
Tara–Then we can be excited to see each other when they come off the school bus/carpool!
Alison–Bless you! You’ve got double the number I do. With writing, it’s nice to know you can always come back to it (one of those rare activities we can do just as well or better as we get older.) But…I feel like there’s no time like the present, too. You’ve clearly got organizing and schedules down pat with four children, so fitting in just a page a day (always my goal, until recently) can be done. Best wishes for your award!
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